Undeniable
by carlycarter
Summary: Sequel to 'Uninvited'. Story of a lost little boy. AlexStevieRegsDave
1. Chapter 1

Undeniable

Alex Ryan stood in his office on the 17th floor of the building in the centre of Los Angeles. He never would have imagined himself living this life. In the USA, in the city, working 9-15 in an office building. There were more people working in this building alone than lived in the entire town of Gungellan. He always hated the city. It just wasn't for him. But now he found it strangely peaceful. He could be lost in amongst all these strangers, and no one paid him much attention. Surrounded by all these people, and he never felt more alone. But he preferred it that way.

He looked back over his life. Growing up on Killarney as Harry Ryan's son. Only Harry Ryan wasn't his father. And it turned out Harry Ryan wasn't even Harry Ryan. And now Harry Ryan was gone. He had found his real father, Bryce, but all those missing years were just too much to fill in. He didn't hate Bryce, but he just couldn't look at him as 'dad'. And although he had forgiven his mother for the lies, he had never forgotten it, and there was no doubt that finding out the truth had shattered their relationship beyond repair.

That place far away in rural Australia was once his home. There were so many painful memories, but in the end it was the good memories that tore his heart and drove him away. So many precious things that were gone. Claire. The future they had lost. If only they had one more day, If only he'd had the chance to ask her to marry him. If only he hadn't waited so long, if only she hadn't gone into town that day, if only. And his precious little girl BOM. No matter who her natural father was, Alex would always consider Charlotte to be his. And when Peter and Julia moved away it was like losing Claire all over again. It wasn't supposed to be this way. BOM should have been his daughter. Claire would have hated this, all of this. Peter taking Charlotte away. But he wasn't her father, there was nothing he could do. He was powerless. He lost them both.

Then Nick, his brother and constant companion throughout his life, had died in a plane crash. Or everyone thought so. Nick had turned up ok, but then moved to Argentina with Tess. Alex wondered to himself if they were still in Argentina? But even though Nick was alright, it was that period when Alex thought he had lost his brother that he really lost the plot. That's when he met Fiona. That's when he made the biggest mistake of his life. Only he was too messed up to realize at the time. Thankfully their marriage was short lived. And it was only after the marriage fell apart that things had got really messy.

He tried not to think about the past, and his life in Australia. He came over here for a new start and changed his name to Marcus Newman. He read it in a book that he picked up at the airport, and decided it was as good as anything. Bryce helped him get this job in an advertising firm. He wasn't very good at it to start with, but he worked hard. He had to. His son was counting on him.

He picked up the photo of his little boy and smiled. That's what made it all worthwhile. That was the reason he kept going on. The hope that his son would have a future, and wouldn't have to live with the mistakes of the past. It was a new life here for them. Ryan was a good little boy. Alex thought to himself it was a good thing he changed his last name, because "Ryan Ryan" would have been too cruel for the poor kid. As much as he wanted to let go of the past, he couldn't quite do it. And when it came to choosing the name for his son, there was only once choice, and Ryan was it. His full name was Ryan Joseph Newman. Everyone called him Joey. Everyone but Alex. To Alex he was always Ryan.

Alex thought of all the things that he always dreamed for his son, for as long as he could remember. Killarney for starters. That was always going to be the empire he left to his son. But that was a million miles away and Alex had given up any claim he once had on the property. And all the things he wanted to teach his son to do, to go fishing, ride horses, shear sheep, drive a tractor, all the things he and Nick had so much fun doing as they were growing up. But little Ryan would know nothing of that life. Alex imagined his childhood would be filled with taking his son to the baseball games, and the cinema, and the beach, and whatever else these city people did for fun. All things that were foreign to Alex. His son was growing up as a city kid. He even had an American accent which Alex had to admit was sort of cute.

But the thing he missed most for Ryan was a mother. That's the one thing he would have moved heaven and earth to give to him. And it was the one thing that just wasn't going to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex worked through his lunch break so that he would pick Ryan up early from day care. It was Friday and he was looking forward to the weekend with his son. He entered the daycare centre and immediately saw his son sitting at a table with other children colouring in. He stopped for a moment to look at him. He was so thankful for Ryan. He was such a beautiful little boy. Alex had been so blessed having Ryan in his life. After losing BOM, Alex wasn't certain he could ever love a child in that way again. But now he had his precious little boy.

Ryan turned around and saw Alex standing in the doorway. He jumped out of his seat and ran over to him calling out "Daddy!" 

Alex swept him up in his arms "Hey Pal, how are you?" The little boy wrapped his arms tightly around his fathers neck.

"I made a picture, come see." Alex put his son down, and Ryan led him over to the table. He proudly picked up the piece of paper and held it up for his father.

"Do you like it Daddy?" Ryan asked. 

"Are you kidding? I love it!" Alex told him. He wasn't entirely sure what the drawing was supposed to be, but he didn't dare say so.

"This is you" Ryan pointed at something resembling a stick figure person "and this is me" Ryan pointed to a smaller stick figure "and this is mummy" He pointed to a third figure on the page.

This stunned Alex to hear Ryan mention "mummy". Ryan was so young, and Alex had tried to explain things, but it was too hard for him to understand. But one thing Ryan did understand was that his mummy wasn't here. Ryan very rarely spoke of her or asked about her. But as he was getting older, meeting other children who did have mothers, he was bound to start thinking of her and asking about her, and Alex tried to prepare himself for that day. As Ryan got older it would get harder and harder to push the conversation aside.

"Daddy?" Ryan asked breaking the silence.

"What pal?" He answered, dreading the questions about where his mother was, or why she wasn't here.

"Do you think this looks like my mummy?" He asked as he looked down at his picture.

Alex looked down to the messy crayon picture, and the stick figure with long purple hair, orange eyes, and no nose. "Yeah, it looks like her" Alex answered as he tried not to laugh. Alex tried to recall if he had any picture of Ryan's mother. He had one small box of things, things from his old life. Things he just couldn't part with, or things he thought he should save for Ryan one day. But for the moment, Ryan wasn't interested in photos of his mother, he was satisfied with his crayon drawing. And Alex breathed a sigh of relief that the conversation seemed to be over for the moment.

"Go get your bag Ryan" Alex told his son. Ryan ran off to get his bag and say bye to the other children.

Alex was lost in thought about Ryan's mother, he didn't notice at first one of Ryan's little friends pulling at his trouser leg. 

"Can Joey come to play tomorrow?" The little boy asked. Alex couldn't remember the child's name. There were so many kids in this place.

"Maybe another day, we're going somewhere special this weekend." Alex announced.

The little nameless boy frowned, but Ryan's face lit up "Where Daddy?" He asked. 

"We're going to the Rodeo." Alex answered. He had got free entry to the rodeo from a mate at work, and he decided now was the time to start educating Ryan about these things.

"What's that?" Ryan asked, and his friend shrugged his shoulder.

Alex's heart skipped a beat. His little boy should have known things like this. He knew that he had left his old life behind, and that Ryan had never known that life, But still it shocked him to have to be explaining to his little boy what a rodeo was. "Well, a rodeo is where there are lots of horses…" Alex started. But the boys weren't interested.

"Bye Joey, gotta finish my picture." The other child said as he ran back to the table.

"I'm starving dad, what's for dinner?" Ryan asked.

Alex smiled and picked up his son and took him home.

The next morning they headed off early to the rodeo. Ryan was chatting away in the back seat about this and that, and Alex was only half listening. It had been years since he'd been to a rodeo, or even seen a horse. 

When they arrived Alex stood still for a moment. Ryan was looking around at the horses, and the people. He was such a curious little guy. Even in a different country, things were so familiar to Alex. The sights, sounds and smells hit him, and memories came rushing back to him.

…_Him and Nick, they had been up and coming rodeo stars. The Ryan brothers….then the accident…changed their lives completely…._

_..but even the terrible accident hadn't kept Alex from the rodeo. All those years when he was young, him and Claire and Stevie. So many good times…._

Alex was pulled from his memories as Ryan demanded his attention. Alex picked him up and put him on his shoulders so he could see over the crowd, and they settled in for the show. Ryan was having a great time, it was all new for him. And it made Alex happy that his son could enjoy something that had been such a big part of his own up bringing. Alex started to relax and enjoy the show. It was hard not to enjoy, Ryan's excitement was contagious.

Towards the end of the show, Ryan was getting tired, and it was a fair drive back. Alex decided to leave during the ladies barrel racing, it was hardly the most exciting event he thought to himself. He gathered their belongings and scooped Ryan up in his arms. They made their way through the crowd. He wasn't sure what it was that made him turn his attention back to the ring. But he turned. The first competitor had begun the course. He stopped still. There was something so familiar about this rider. He couldn't put his finger on it. He couldn't turn his eyes away. Ryan was half asleep in his arms, and could hardly keep his eyes open. So he stood for a moment, watching. And then as the rider turned around to complete the course he saw her face for the first time. Instantly he recognized her. It had been a long time. Years. And she had changed. But it was her, there was no doubt in his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

For a moment Alex stood still. He was torn between the desire to run away, and his inability to take his eyes off her. He was quite a distance from the ring. But he could see her as she finished her ride. For a moment she glanced his way, and he could have sworn that she looked at him. Right in the eyes. That's when panic set in; that's when he turned and made his way through the crowd. He put the now sleeping Ryan in his car seat and drove out of there as fast as he could. His eyes were glued to the rear vision mirror all the way home, as if he expected that she had followed him. But she hadn't.

He told himself he was being paranoid. It probably wasn't even her. And if it was then that she probably hadn't seen him. And if she had seen him, then she probably hadn't recognized him. And if she had recognized him then she probably wouldn't have cared.

He had thought LA was a safe place to bring Ryan up. Who would think to look for him here? In this big city? On the other side of the world? Among all these people?

He told himself to calm down. She wasn't looking for him. She was competing in a barrel race.

As the days went by and she didn't show up on his doorstep, Alex relaxed. He sunk back into his hidden life as Marcus Newman.

That brief re-visitation to Alex Ryan's life was over. He began to convince himself he hadn't seen her, it was only someone who looked like her. She had been riding so fast. He couldn't see properly. And he was just overcome with the familiar sights, sounds and smells of the rodeo. He told himself it was all a dream.

During the day he lived the life as Marcus Newman, but in the depth of the night- he was still Alex Ryan. He dreamed of the places that Alex Ryan had lived, and the faces staring back at him in his dreams were the faces of Alex Ryan's life.

The following weekend he and Ryan finished their breakfast early Saturday morning.

"What do you want to do today pal?" Alex asked him.

"I wanna go to the Rodeo" He told his dad.

Alex's heart skipped a beat. He had decided no more rodeo, no more horses, no more anything to do with the life he had struggled to leave behind. But hearing his little boy say he wanted to go to the rodeo… ..he couldn't help but smile. Still, he had to be strong.

"Lets go to the toy store, I'll get you that new game you wanted?" Alex offered.

"No daddy, I want to see the horses!" Ryan protested as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Hey lets go to the beach, we'll get ice cream" Alex tried to tempt his son.

"No. Rooodeo" Ryan repeated.

"What about Disneyland?" Alex offered, his last desperate attempt. He couldn't refuse Ryan much longer.

"No!" Ryan insisted "Rooooodeoooo daddy!"

"We already went to the rodeo, lets do something different" Alex tried again. He was not up for another incident like last week. Too many memories. He couldn't allow himself to step back into that life.

"I wanna go to the rodeo. And when I'm big I'm going to ride in the rodeo. I'm going to ride the horses." Ryan told his father proudly.

Alex had to turn from his son, tears forming in his eyes. Where did this little boy who had been raised on the 10th floor of an apartment building, and never even owned a pet goldfish, had never seen a horse until last week, where did he get this desire from? Alex knew the answer. And he no longer wanted to talk Ryan out of going to another rodeo.

They packed the car and headed off to another small town where there was a rodeo event that weekend. Alex told himself he had imagined everything last week. He just got scared and carried away, and he wouldn't let it happen again. Maybe this was something he and Ryan could do together on a regular basis. Maybe when Ryan was old enough to start school, he could start riding lessons.

Alex enjoyed himself more the second time at the rodeo with his son. He began explaining all about the events to Ryan, and Ryan was hanging on every word, although Alex guessed he didn't understand half of it. Alex decided this was a time for new memories to be created. The past would no longer haunt him. This was something new, something to share with his son. And when Ryan sat next to him, gazing up at him as if he was the most important person in the word, Alex felt more fulfilled than ever in his life.

It was now time for the team roping event. Alex explained the event to Ryan who nodded a lot and smiled at his dad. Ryan turned his full attention to the event, and Alex smiled down at his boy, and then did the same. It was then he saw her again. Or the one that had looked like her. That's what he told himself. He felt himself sinking down in his chair, although this time they were closer to the back of the crowd, she wouldn't have seen him. He watched her. Trying to decide, if it was her, if it looked like her? She was riding fast, they were close to the back of the crowd, he couldn't see. _Its not her, its not her , its not her..._he repeated to himself inside his head. Satisfied with this he turned from the girl and gave his attention to the second rider in the team.

It was the horse he noticed first. He'd been around horses all of his life. He got to know them well. And he recognized that horse. Then he slowly turned his attention to the person on top of that second horse, half afraid, half excited. He held his breath as he saw her hair. _But its only hair._ Lots of people have that color hair. But as he saw her face suddenly there was no doubt. 

That horse! He'd been there when that horse was born. It was years ago, but he'd been there. It was a young foal when last he saw it, now it was a champion. It was years ago, and the horse was going so fast, and all horses sort of looked the same. But there was no doubt in his mind. That horse was **Starlight. **

And the girl on Starlight's back! She was hardly a girl anymore. He had known her most of her life, and if he cast his mind back far enough he even recalled the time that girl had been born.

He wanted to run. But how could he do that without Ryan throwing a tantrum? He took a deep breath and told himself he was safer in the crowd. That why he came to the city, to be lost in the crowd. So that no one could find him.

Then the thought struck him- _if the two of them were here, perhaps there were more of 'them'. _Those people that belonged in Alex Ryan's life in rural Australia. Those people that didn't belong here. Those people that could destroy everything he worked so hard to build for Ryan's future.

He looked back to the horse. A champion. _The night that horse was born had been one of his last nights in Australia. The foal was severely injured. Alex was going to shoot it. He didn't want to. The horse was from champion stock, and was a long awaited arrival on Killarney. But a bullet really was the kindest thing._

She had begged him to just wait until the morning. It seemed to him to be cruel, and just delaying the inevitable. But he relented. He didn't have the strength to say no. All of a sudden she reminded him so much of her sister. And he couldn't say no. He went to bed. She sat with that horse all night. And in the morning the horse was better. Each day he grew stronger. 

Now that horse was fulfilling the dreams Alex had for it. That horse was a champion. That horse was '**Starlight'. **

And the rider. _He remembered the week she had been born. Not that it was an exciting event for him. But he heard all about it from Claire. How Meg was so busy with the new baby, the baby cried all day, the baby smelled bad…Alex knew Claire was jealous about sharing Meg's attention, but she wouldn't admit it. _

The rider was Jodi Fountain. Jodi McLeod. Jodi whatever her name is now. She might be married Alex thought to himself. While Claire was alive no one knew that Jodi was really her half sister. But now when Alex looked at Jodi, he saw so much Claire in her, it was hard to imagine that no one guessed earlier. It broke his heart to think that Jodi and Claire never got to be 'sisters'. Although they fought like siblings at times, he remembered.

And the other rider. The girl from the barrel race last week. It had been her. She was hardly a girl now. She was Ryan's sister. Half sister. Did she even know she had a brother? Ryan certainly had no idea he had a big sister out there, or that he was watching her at this very moment in the team roping event. What was Alex doing keeping them apart? He silently reminded himself of all the reasons it had to be this way. But as he watched the remainder of the event, he looked up at her, and he saw the similarities. He never realized before the resemblance they both shared with their mother. Seeing her ride, it would be easy to mistake Rose for her mother.


	4. Chapter 4

Alex tucked Ryan into his bed. He stood watching the little boy sleeping. Ryan was so unaware of all the things that had happened. He often stood watching his boy sleep. But tonight was different. Tonight all he could see was the resemblance to his mother.

It had shaken him up, seeing Rose and Jodi at the rodeo. He still didn't believe they had made it out of there. Alex felt as if his legs would give way. And he was overcome with this urge to go to Rose, to speak to her, to hug her. This was a girl that he looked on as his own daughter. He remembered all the chats the two of them had. Right from the day that Rose found out the truth about Stevie, she had confided her feelings in Alex. He had been through a similar experience finding out the truth about Harry.

As time went on the two grew closer. Rose was a good kid, and reminded him a lot of her mother. Alex genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. But even more he loved the look on Stevie's face when she would watch Alex and Rose together. Rose had been going to riding lessons all her life, but it was Alex who taught her the skills that she displayed in the rodeo today. He smiled as he remembered Stevie trying to teach Rose roping and barrel racing. They fought so much, like any mother and daughter. And for the sanity of everyone Alex had to step in and take over the lessons. But Rose was a fast learner. And being Stevie's daughter she had natural talent in her blood. He genuinely enjoyed the time he spent on Drovers with Rose.

He didn't stop much to think about how his leaving Australia hurt Rose. He paused for a minute and remembered the last conversation he had with Rose.

"_You are always part of our family Rose, don't ever forget that"_

Guilt surged through him as he realized that the "family" he spoke of was now shattered. And truthfully he hadn't given Rose a second thought until this moment. He felt bad about that. But he had to do what was best for Ryan. He kept telling himself that. It wasn't easy for him to leave his life behind and start again in a foreign country. It was Ryan that gave him strength to do it. It was all for Ryan, and somehow all these years he convinced himself that because it was all for Ryan, it was somehow justifiable that he had hurt so many other people.

Only today did he begin to question that.

He kissed his son on the forehead and shut the door to his bedroom. He tried to remember where he had placed that box. He searched high and low, eventually finding it in the back of the closet. Such a small box, and it contained the only reminders of his old life. He pulled out the small photo album…

**Photo number one-** Nick and Alex as boys. There were tear stains on this photo, from the time Alex thought Nick had died. Alex thought to himself that it was a bit hypocritical of him to be so distraught thinking he'd lost Nick forever, and now Alex himself had disappeared with no word of goodbye to his brother, no thought for where his brother is or what he is up to.

There were no photos of Liz and Harry. The lie about his paternity still cut deep. His childhood family- Liz and Harry, him and Nick, was now completely torn apart.

**Photo number two**- Claire and baby Charlotte. He stroked the photo gently, wishing that he had one more day, one more minute, to hold his girls. That was his family- him and Claire and BOM…and that family too had been shattered to pieces.

He turned the page. **Photo number three- Ryan's mother.** Stevie. It had been years since he'd seen her. But every night in his dreams that face haunted him. She was so beautiful. He loved her so much. He never imagined loving anyone else after Claire. He thought it was impossible. Stevie showed him that he was wrong.

So many moments they had shared together. The good times, the bad times, and how stupid he was with Fiona, he nearly lost Stevie's friendship all together. But then he finally woke up and realized what Stevie had meant to him. And everything was all set for a happy ending. Or so he thought.

But just like Claire….it was so beautiful, so perfect, and now it was gone.

Out of all the moments they had spent together one came back to his mind frequently. A moment before Ryan was even born. Alex hated thinking these things; about life before Ryan was born. Because that life had ceased to exist.

But that one moment stood out in his mind always.

……_Stevie was pregnant with Ryan. She was in the hospital. She was lying there so motionless. And he sat by her bedside and held her hand. The Dr had told him she was fine, the baby was fine. But Alex would not leave her side. For that brief moment when he saw her lying there--he was so sure she was dead--that he had lost her, and the unborn baby. And it was like losing Claire and Charlotte all over again. And for that moment the world went black. His heart stopped beating. Everything was gone. _

_And then he sat by her side, and held her hand. It was warm. She was breathing. And he silently reminded himself to keep breathing. She was ok, the baby was ok, everything was ok. _

"_She is only sleeping, she will be fine. Don't worry Mr Ryan." Alex heard the Drs voice tell him. He hadn't realized the Dr was even in the room until that moment. Alex nodded and the Dr left the room._

_He sat by her side, never once letting go of her hand. He couldn't say how long he sat there. And he cried. He didn't know exactly why. He cried for all he lost with Claire and BOM. He cried for all that he had almost lost today with Stevie and the baby. He cried out of relief that she was ok. She was the shining star in the center of his universe, and he couldn't go on without her. _

Alex stopped cold in that memory for a moment as he put the photo album back in its box. The tears that stained his face that day in the hospital were streaming down his cheeks now too, and he hoped Ryan wouldn't wake up and see his dad crying like this. He thought back to that moment with Stevie. He was so terrified of losing her. And here he was without her. And as hard as he tried to forget that day, the rest of the memory crept up on him against his control.

…_he spoke softly to her. He didn't want to wake her. But there was so much he needed to say to her. That he loved her. That he was so sorry. That he couldn't live without her. That he'd never leave her. _

_She stirred and he gently stroked her hair "Shhh its ok, go back to sleep." He whispered._

"_Alex?" She mumbled_

"_Yeah its me cowgirl." He smiled at her._

"_Alex, our baby…" She started to say as she sat up in the bed._

"_Our baby is fine, you're fine, everything is ok. Just relax and get some rest" He gently told her as he took her in his arms. _

"_You're crying" She told him, but didn't move from her spot nestled in his arms. He held her so tight she couldn't have moved if she wanted to. _

"_I just love you so much" He told her._

_She abruptly pulled away from him._

"_Are you ok?" He asked slightly alarmed._

_She took his hand and placed it on her stomach "Our baby, he just kicked me" She smiled at him "Here, can you feel this?"_

_And as he felt their baby move inside of her for the first time, suddenly he felt peace that everything was working out for once. That this time he had got it right. This time everything would be ok. _

_She wiped the tears from his eyes, and he looked her straight in the eyes "I love you so much Stevie" He smiled at her. He couldn't help but smile at this moment._

"_I love you too" She replied and returned his smile. _

"_Hey what about 'Alexander' for a boys name?" Alex joked. _

This memory was special to him for so many reasons, above all the other memories they had spent together. The first time they had felt Ryan kick. The smile on her face at that moment was as sight he would cherish always. It wasn't the first time she had told him she loved him. But it was the first time she hadn't said _"I love you, but…_" This time it was just _"I love you"_ and nothing else mattered. It was the first time she had said "_our baby"._ It had always been "_my baby_" or "_the baby"._ He didn't know if she was even aware of that. But it stuck in his mind so clearly that she said _"our baby"_ that day.

_He looked deep into her eyes that day, they eyes of the women he loved. The women he would spend his life with. The women he promised he would never let go. And he stayed all night in that hospital room, holding her close to him. _

And far away, years later, on the other side of the world, if he closed his eyes he could still feel her in his arms, softly breathing. He could still feel her curly hair between his fingers, still feel her soft touch as she gently brushed the tears from his face. He could hear in the distance the sound of her voice _"I love you…our baby…..I love you"_

And her eyes. He would never forget her eyes. How could he when those eyes were the same eyes that looked to him every day and called him "Daddy".


	5. Chapter 5

Alex couldn't sleep that night. He spent the rest of his time re living that day at the rodeo. He tried to tell himself if wasn't Jodi and Rose he had seen. It was ridiculous. He was paranoid, he was imagining it, he was losing his mind. And out of all the things he could not afford to do at the moment, losing his mind was at the top of that list. He hid the box in the back of the cupboard. Once again he thought of destroying the last remaining mementos of Alex Ryan's life, once again he was unable. Saying goodbye to Claire and BOM and Nick was hard enough. But he couldn't part with those last photos. And the photo of Stevie….he had taken so much from Ryan already, and he didn't have the heart to get rid of the only photo of his mother.

He heard Ryan stirring and realized it was morning. He entered the kitchen to prepare breakfast for them both. Perhaps if he concentrated hard enough on something else he could forget all about the ghastly night he had endured. Ryan entered the kitchen rubbing his eyes and yawning. He came over to his father and wrapped his little arms around his legs to give him a hug. Alex picked up his little boy and held him tightly.

"Morning Pal, how did you sleep?" Alex asked him.

"Good daddy. I had a dream last night." Ryan told him as he sat down and started eating his breakfast.

"Tell me about it." Alex replied as he sat opposite the table and began to eat also. He did his best to sound interested in his son's conversation. The little guy sure talked a lot. Ryan certainly didn't get that from his side of the family.

"I was dreaming about my mum." Ryan announced calmly as if this was nothing out of the ordinary.

Alex felt his heart skip a beat. He didn't know what to say to this. It seemed so strange that Ryan had been dreaming about his mum last night, just as Alex had been thinking of her. Thankfully Ryan wasn't waiting for a reply, he kept on with the description of his dream.

"She was riding on a horse, just like we saw in the rodeo daddy. I like horses daddy. Do you like horses?"

"Yeah, horses are good" Alex answered. It was a lame answer, but it was all he could get out. He was trying so hard to forget everything about Ryan's mother. All these years Alex tried to hard to forget. But he was kidding himself. It was impossible. Even if Ryan wasn't asking all these questions, just the very fact that he existed, just that way he smiled, and his hair, everything about him screamed out that he was Stevie's boy. Alex always kept Ryan's hair cut short because his hair was naturally curly. And those curls were so Stevie. They were so beautiful, but Alex just couldn't stand to see them, to be reminded.

"Does my mum like horses?" Ryan asked innocently.

"Yeah son." Alex answered. How could he answer anything else. It was hard to picture Stevie without picturing her on a horse.

At that moment the phone rang. Alex answered it, breathing a sigh of relief for the interruption. It was a woman who introduced herself as "Justin's mother". Alex was momentarily confused, and then realized Justin was another little boy from Ryan's day care. The woman invited Ryan over to play with Justin for the day. Alex immediately accepted the invitation without asking his son. He knew Ryan would have a good time with his friend. And also he needed some time alone to think. Hearing Ryan talk about his mum was just too much for today. He felt a surge of guilt that he was getting rid of his son for the day. But he pushed it aside, he didn't know what he would do if he had to face questions like that all day long.

As expected Ryan was excited to go and play with Justin, and immediately ran off to get dressed. Alex was glad that Ryan was still so young he could be distracted from thinking of his mother. He knew the day would come he would have to face questions from Ryan. But he was just so glad that day wasn't today.

Ryan told Justin all about the rodeo and the horses. Justin was clearly impressed. The two boys played all morning, then settled after lunch drawing pictures. Ryan worked quietly and diligently on his drawing. When finished he presented it to his friend proudly.

"This is my mum" He told his friend "She's riding a horse. She likes horses." He announced.

"Where is your mum?" Justin asked "I never seen her. Is she dead? My Gran is dead."

"She's not dead!" Ryan answered quickly then sat thoughtfully for a moment. "I'm not sure where she is. I never seen her either. But she is coming here soon." Ryan answered. "I think she must be very busy doing something very important. And when she is finished she will come here to see me"

"How do you know that?" Justin asked him.

"I had a dream. She is riding a horse, and she is coming to see me." Ryan answered. "Just like in my picture"

Justin seemed to accept this and he nodded. "But how will she know what you look like when she comes here?" Justin asked him.

Ryan pondered this for a moment too. How would his mother recognize him? "I think she will just know what I look like because I am her little boy." Ryan finally decided. "And if she doesn't know what I look like, that's ok, I know what she will look like, so I will tell her that it's me."

"How do you know what she looks like if you never seen her?" Justin asked.

"Well I saw her in my dream." Ryan explained. "So now I know what she looks like. And she looks just like this" Ryan pointed to his picture again.

Justin nodded again. "What's her name?" He asked.

Ryan answered without hesitating "Don't you know anything? Her name is 'Mommy' of course."

Alex sat in silence. The apartment was so quiet with Ryan gone. Everything was empty and silent. And he wondered what his life would be like without Ryan. The answer was unthinkable. But then he thought of Ryan's mother. Was her life like this every day, empty and silent without her little boy? Quickly he dismissed that thought. He could not afford to start thinking things like that.

He picked up the phone. He dialed the number. He didn't have to look it up, it was engraved on his heart. He couldn't have forgotten that phone number if he tried. He didn't stop to think what time it might be in South Australia. He didn't stop to think who might answer the phone, or what he might say, or even what he was trying to achieve. He thought only that he couldn't live with himself another minute longer if he didn't do something. Anything. And in his sleep deprived state this was all he could come up with.

"Tess McLeod" The cheery voice greeted him at the other end of the phone. A million miles away, A lifetime away. But she sounded so close. So familiar. As if he expected to turn around and see her standing right there in front of him. Suddenly he pictured her so clearly standing before him. Like all those other people from Alex Ryan's life he had tried to push her out if his mind. But that instant he heard her voice, memories came flooding back, her hair, her smile, her eyes.

"Tess McLeod" he repeated the words in quiet awe , without even realizing he was speaking out loud. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. That was Tess McLeod, no doubt about it. The girl from the city. Random images of Tess came flooding back to him. The first day they met, the way she flirted with him, their brief ill fated affair, watching her learn to ride a horse, holding BOM on the day of Claire's funeral, Tess and those crazy alpacas, Tess walking down the aisle to marry Nick, Tess and Nick leaving Drovers for Argentina…

And after all these years Tess McLeod was home again at Drovers Run . He thought to himself this would make Claire so happy. It seemed an odd thing to be thinking, but it's what came instantly to his mind.

"Alex!" She exclaimed. "Alex is that you?"

He didn't know why she asked, she knew it was him, just as surely as he knew it was her. He thought of all the questions he wanted to ask her, and undoubtedly she had questions for him too.

He opened his mouth to speak. He wanted to ask her…..

…_How are you, how is Nick, how is Charlotte, how is Drovers,_ ………

But no sound came out of his mouth. And while he did want to ask her those things, the number one question he had for her was "How is Stevie?". But after all these years he wasn't sure he could bring himself to speak her name out loud. And so there was silence.

There was silence from the other end of the phone also, and Alex imagined similar questions were racing through her head also.

……_Where are you, and what the hell do you think you are doing?_….

or something along those lines. And he briefly wondered was she angry? Did she miss him? Was she happy to hear from him?

The silence from the other end of the phone startled him, Tess McLeod was never one who had difficulty finding words.

Suddenly Alex wondered what on earth he was doing? Calling Drovers had been a mistake, a big mistake. But hearing Tess' voice, he couldn't bring himself to hang up the phone. He couldn't walk away again.

"Yeah, Tess, it's me" He responded.


	6. Chapter 6

Stevie woke early and looked down to the ring on her finger. She had a lot of hopes and dreams for her life, and some of them were quite bizarre. But she never quite imagined things turning out like this. If anyone had told her that this is how things would have turned out, she would have laughed in their face. It wasn't that she never saw herself getting married. Its just that she never pictured it would be him. There was only one man in her wedding dreams for so long. And after he had broken her heart time and time again she decided that was the end. No more love. Love was just too much hard work. Love hurt too much. Love wasn't worth it. But here she was, a married woman. And she did love him. It was different to the way she felt about Alex, but she decided that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. 

She closed her eyes, and as she did every morning, said a prayer for her children. For Rose, her baby girl who was all grown up. She had missed so much of Rose's life. But always held on the dream that "some day" Rose would find out the truth, and "some day" Stevie would get to be her mother, and "some day" everything would be ok. It never quite turned out like that. But Rose was a beautiful young woman now, and Stevie was so proud of her. 

Next she prayed for her little boy. The little boy who would be 4 years old now. She tried to hard to imagine what he would look like. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he happy? What was his name? What was his favorite color? What was his favorite food? Did he miss her as much as she missed him?

It was like Rose all over again, but this time so much worse. At least Stevie had known where Rose was and that she was safe. At least she had been able to visit, and see photos, and at least Rose knew she was alive. Being apart from Rose when she was growing up seemed the most painful thing Stevie could imagine at the time. But this was a thousand times worse. She never stopped looking, and hoping to be reunited with her baby. But years had gone by. He was a little boy now. And she couldn't shake the sinking thought that even if she found him, he wouldn't even know who she was. And that frightened her. Maybe he wouldn't want her to find him. Maybe he was happy enough without her. Maybe just like Rose, her baby boy was better off without her. Alex must have thought so, Or he wouldn't have taken him away. 

She reminded herself that it was a good thing her baby was with Alex. Because she knew he would take care of her baby, no matter what else happened. She knew he loved their baby, she knew he would be a great dad. And she tried to be happy for small mercies. But picturing the two of them, her two boys, living life without her in it, it just hurt too much. And if Alex was standing in front of her right now she would have killed him.

She looked over to the man lying next to her. He was a good man. And so patient and understanding. She was so caught up in things of the past, things she couldn't quite let go of. People told her to move on for her own sanity. But she just couldn't do it, not really. And he understood. He had his own baggage from the past also. And she was so grateful to have him by her side. He stirred in the bed and looked into her eyes. 

"Good Morning Mrs Brewer" He said softly.

Stevie leaned over and kissed her husband. They were interrupted by the insistent cries of their baby daughter. Before Stevie could move Dave jumped up and picked up the little girl from her crib. She looked so tiny in his arms. It was Stevie who insisted that the baby would sleep in their room. Dave hadn't protested, even though he had spent so much time and effort decorating the nursery. She told him it was just for a little while. But truthfully Stevie didn't plan to ever let this baby out of her sight.

The baby had stopped crying as soon as Dave picked her up. The minute Dave had seen his little girl he had fallen in love with her. He was babbling away to her about this and that. His eyes lit up when he was talking to his daughter. He was such a good father. He was so loving and so gentle. Their baby was a lucky little girl. Dave sat beside Stevie and handed the baby to her. The little angel fit so perfectly in her arms. It was as if this little person was created just to fill that spot. But even though this little girl filled her empty arms, she could never quite fill the gap in her heart. Rose and her little boy held so much of her heart.

And maybe that's part of the reason she was so protective of this little girl. Because she felt so guilty that there didn't seem to be enough love left over to love this baby as much as she loved her two other children. She was just too scared to love another baby. The thought of losing another child was too much to cope with. She couldn't help but wish it was her little boy in her arms. She closed her eyes and imagined it was her little boy. And she wondered, if she had the choice, would she swap this baby to have her little boy back.

The baby had been born three weeks early, but she was so perfect. Stevie had wanted Rose to be the first to see her, but Rose was away for another week in America riding the rodeo circuit with Jodi. But this little baby who was just over a week old was already one popular girl. There were plenty of visitors to admire her. They hadn't named the baby yet. Everyone kept asking. But Stevie was waiting for the perfect name. She would know it when she heard it. There hadn't been any hesitation naming her other children, Rose had just been Rose. She'd known from the time she was 7 years old that when she had a little girl she would be called Rose Elizabeth. And her son had just looked like "Jacob". Alex had been joking when he suggested "Alexander" as a name. But the look on his face when she told him that Jacob's middle name would be Alexander, it was priceless. So it was Rose Elizabeth and Jacob Alexander.

She had decided on the middle name for this little girl, it would be Leanne after Dave's first wife who had died in a car accident. She hadn't told Dave yet, but she knew he would like it. She looked down to her little daughter, trying to decide on a first name. The little girl was so beautiful; she looked a lot like Rose at that age. But somehow naming her was a frightening step. It made everything so official. So real. And Stevie would rather hide away up here in this room with her little nameless girl. Nothing could hurt them here, nothing could tear them apart. It was like the rest of the world didn't exist.

Having another baby was totally not in her plans. But neither Rose or Jacob had been exactly planned. But she loved each of them fiercely and didn't regret it for a second, and it was the same with this baby. Dave hadn't been planning on fatherhood either. And anyone who could add up would realize the reason they got married in such a hurry. If not for the baby, Stevie wondered if they would have got married at all. They were well and truly "together" but marriage was just not something either of them wanted to enter in to. They had both been hurt so much before. They eloped in the city. A few people were shocked when they came home as husband and wife, Tess and Nick mainly. Tess had told her many times that it wasnt wise for her to pursue a relationship with Dave. Tess had stopped talking about it, especially after she found out about the baby, but every now and then she saw the look in Tess' eyes when she mentioned Dave.

Holding her precious baby daughter in her arms, with Dave smiling down at them, everything seemed peaceful, almost. Stevie tried to be happy. And grateful for everything she had. But how could she be happy when her little boy was out there somewhere? Their family was not quite complete. There was always someone missing. They had it good here, a nice little property they owned together. They could have had more. So much of their money was tied up with private investigators, searching for Jacob. Dave never complained that so much of there life was involved with this search. So much money, so much time, and so much of her heart still belonged to that little boy. And Dave never ever said a word.

Stevie looked up at Dave, he was just smiling. She was so lucky to have him.

"What are you looking at?" She asked him.

"You, and our daughter. You are so beautiful." He told her.

She laughed, looking down at her pajamas which were far from glamorous.

"I wish I could stay here all day and just look at you." He told her "But, I suppose I better go and check the cattle in the south paddock." 

"Do you have to do that today?" She asked him slightly panicked.

"Well I have to do it sooner or later. It won't take long." He responded.

"Don't go." She told him "Please. Just stay here, with us."

He shrugged his shoulders "Ok, I guess the cattle can wait another day" He couldn't refuse her at the best of times, and especially not when she was looking up at him with that pleading look in her eyes. Besides a day spent with his two best girls wouldn't be so bad, and truthfully the cattle could wait another day. Still he wondered what would happen tomorrow, or next week, when it came time for him to go to work. As much as he'd like to stay home forever, it just wasn't practical.

Stevie knew Dave thought she was losing the plot. But he never said so, and she loved him for that. He told her a lot that she shouldn't worry, that nothing bad was going to happen, everything would be ok. She always nodded and smiled at him when he said that. But she never really believed it. Its not that she didn't trust him. Its just that nothing had ever been ok before……And how could he tell her with such certainty that this time everything would be ok?

When Rose was born Stevie had really believed everything would be ok, and that the two of them would get by somehow as long as they stayed together. Then Rose had become so sick. And Stevie hadn't known what to do, she felt so helpless. And scared. In the end there was no choice but to let Rose go. She regretted it many times after that moment, but at the time there was no choice. All through those years she had dreamed of this magical day she would tell Rose the truth, and they would be reunited. It was supposed to be like a fairy tale happy ending. It never did end up that way. Rose hated her for lying all those years. They had patched things up somewhat as time went on, but it was never the mother/daughter relationship she dreamed of. She had given up so much of Rose's life, and she could never get that back.

And when she thought of her little boy, Jacob. She had been so scared when she was pregnant with him, so scared when he was born. Scared he would get sick like Rose did, and scared she would be a hopeless mother. It was Alex who told her all those things that she now heard from Dave. That everything would be ok, that they would be together forever, that he would take care of them and never leave them. And she believed it that time too. She trusted Alex that everything would work out. And then he had taken her little boy and disappeared. She had lost them both. And despite the hours and hours since that day that she dedicated to thinking about the two of them, she could never quite figure out exactly what had happened.

And as much as she wanted to, she couldn't bring herself to believe Dave when he told her it would be ok this time. Although she did her best to pretend to Dave that she did. She was so scared to be a mother again, so scared to love this little girl. Scared she would be a bad mother, scared the little girl would get snatched away from her, scared this little girl wouldn't love her, scared to be alone with her in case something happened, scared to be apart from her in case something happened. Just scared in general. She wondered to herself if this was her punishment for giving Rose away, to have her little boy taken away too. And now what would happen to this innocent little girl? 

She was pulled from her thoughts as she realized Dave was talking to her.

"Go and have a shower, me and my daughter will have breakfast ready when you come downstairs."

The way his eyes lit up when he said "my daughter' was gorgeous. She hesitated momentarily as she handed the baby to him. She tried to tell herself the baby was safe with him. But she just didn't quite trust that at the moment. She had turned into one of those obsessive mothers that wouldn't let anyone hold the baby. She was happy for people to admire her from afar, but it scared her to let other people hold her, even Dave. But she knew she was being irrational, that she had to trust him.

"Don't worry, Everything will be ok" He assured her for about the hundredth time that week. And she smiled and nodded as she always did. But she couldn't quite bring herself to believe it.


	7. Chapter 7

"Alex! Alex how are you? Is it Jacob, is he ok?" Tess asked him. 

"Jacob?" Alex repeated vaguely. The name hung in the air. Jacob? It actually took Alex a moment to realize who Tess was talking about. Jacob. Ever since that day he and Ryan got on the plane to the USA, his sons name had been Ryan. No doubt about it. He had almost forgotten that the little boy had been given another name when he was born. There was so much he had forgotten. How could he let himself forget?

"He's ok isn't he Alex? Did something happen? Is he sick?" Tess continued.

He could hear the concern in Tess' voice for the little boy, and he couldn't help himself, he had to reassure her that the boy was ok.

"Nah the little guy is fine, he's great." Alex told her truthfully.

"Where are you?" She asked. She didn't really expect him to answer but she had to ask.

"Don't do this Tess, you know I can't tell you that." He told her sternly

"How should I know that? How should I know anything? I don't understand a thing about this. All I know is that you and Jacob disappeared, I don't even know why. I haven't heard a word from you in four years." He could hear that she was close to crying, and he felt bad. For everything.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have called." Alex told her.

"No please, don't hang up." She pleaded with him "Alex please, it's so good to hear from you after all this time. You have no idea how much we miss you."

Alex considered hanging up the phone, but it wasn't so easy for him to do it. "How are you? And Nick and Charlotte?" Alex asked, trying to steer the conversation to safe territory.

"Nick and I are fine. Charlotte is growing up so quickly, she is so beautiful, like her mother. She is doing well at school. She visits every school holidays. You'd be proud of her if you saw her riding. She has natural talent, must have inherited it from Claire." Tess rambled on.

Alex closed his eyes and tried to imagine Charlotte riding like her mum. And all dressed up in her school uniform on her first day of school. He had missed so much of her life. It was so unfair that he couldn't be part of her life, that Claire couldn't be part of her life.

Tess heard the silence from the other end of the phone. Perhaps it was a mistake to talk about Claire. She tried to change the subject again "Would you believe it, Nick and I finally combined Drovers Run with Killarney. We have an impressive property now, Harry would have been proud, he finally got his McLeod-Ryan property merger." Tess told him.

Alex thought for a moment that it should have been him and Claire together, bringing the two properties as one. Where had his life gone so wrong? 

"That's great." Alex told her. He truly was happy for Tess and Nick. "How's Stevie?' Alex asked finally.

"How do you think?" Came the abrupt reply. Tess wasn't trying to be unfriendly; she really didn't know how to answer. What did Alex expect her to say?

Alex sighed. He figured he deserved that response. He had no right to ask really.

"It's just, well she is…Jacob's…mother and I wanted to make sure she was ok." Alex managed to say.

"Well, she's alive and breathing if that's what you mean." Tess responded. She didn't feel it was her place to tell anything else about Stevie's life. "She really misses Jacob" Tess added.

"I know" Alex replied. And he did know how much Stevie must miss her little boy.

"If you are so concerted about Jacob's mother, maybe you should bring him home." Tess suggested.

"No Tess." Alex answered quickly.

"Alex this is stupid, come home." Tess pleaded with him.

"Tess, I know you are Stevie's friend, but I thought you were my friend too. You are my sister in law. And I need you to understand that I can't come home. I will not lose my son." Alex tried to explain it to her.

"Alex you are my friend. You and Stevie are both my friends" Tess began "But I don't understand why you are doing this to your little boy. I'm sure you and Stevie can work something out with Jacob, just come home. You can't keep him away from his mother like this. It's not right." 

"It has to be this way Tess." He replied coldly "I really have to go."

"No Alex just wait a second. Nick will be here soon. I know he'd love to talk to you. He really misses you, he's been so worried about you." Tess said.

"Look I think it's best if I just hang up now. Tell Nick I said hello. I'm glad things are working out so well for you two."

"Alex please don't hang up just yet." Tess tried to keep him talking. "Why did you call after so long? Why today?" She asked

"I don't know." He answered truthfully. He really didn't know why he had called.

"Will you call again?" She asked

"I don't know" He answered.

"So that's it. After all the years we've been friends, you just disappear without saying a word for four years, then you call just to say hello, and then we never hear from you again?" Tess asked him.

"I didn't want it to be like this Tess." Alex said quietly.

"It doesn't have to be like this Alex." She told him.

She let him think about it for a moment. "If you wont come home, then at least promise me you'll call again" Tess asked him.

He thought about it for a minute, maybe it was a trap, maybe she would try and trace the call. He'd have to be more careful next time.

"And one more thing Alex." Tess asked him before he could respond. 

"What?" He asked.

"Tell me something, about Jacob."

"Why?" He asked "Are you going to tell Stevie that I called?"

"I have to tell her Alex, I have to tell her that Jacob is ok, that he is safe. Surely you can understand that." Tess replied.

"Yeah, I get it." Alex answered. "Tell her he is fine, and safe, and happy. He really is a happy little guy." Alex smiled as he pictured his son. He loved to talk about him, he was a proud father "He's the greatest little kid. And smart too. Into everything. He sure talks a lot, reminds me a bit of you like that Tess. His favorite color is Blue. He can spell his name, and can count to a hundred. He'll be the smartest kid in his class when he starts school. He loves drawing, but he's not so great at that, I can't make out what half of his pictures are supposed to be. He's popular with other kids, even the little girls. I think he'll be a heart breaker when he's older. He's scared of the dark, and he won't go to sleep without his teddy bear. He loves to eat- I suppose he gets that from me. His favorite food is spaghetti. And when he grows up he wants to be an astronaut. So tell Stevie not to worry, he is fine. I promise I am looking after him well."

"I know you are a good father Alex. Jacob sounds like a happy little boy. But don't you think he needs his mother?" She asked. "Please wont you come home?" Tess asked him again for the last time. She realized she was probably wasting her breath, but she had to try.

"I have to go Tess." He answered as he hung up the phone.


	8. Chapter 8

Tess' hands were shaking as she placed the phone down. She jumped as she heard the door close behind her.

"Oh Nick" She exclaimed as she threw herself into her husbands arms. She wasn't entirely sure how to tell him that Alex had called, or even if she should. What good could it do? Had they finally put Alex behind them? She knew it wasn't true. That even though Nick didn't speak his brother name anymore, he still thought of him. She knew it as surely as she thought of Claire every day. And she knew it would bring up painful memories, but she had to tell him. She couldn't keep it from him. He would want to know that Alex and Jacob were ok.

She tried to compose herself and find the words.

"Tess" He said sternly "Take a deep breath and tell me what happened."

She looked up into his eyes and obeyed him, taking a deep breath.

"Alex" she managed to blurt out "He just called."

"What?" Nick asked disbelieving.

Tess repeated herself.

Nick ran over to the phone and picked up the receiver, looking at it as if it would give some answers to the puzzle of what happened to his brother all those years ago.

"Ok sit down, tell me everything" Nick said, as Tess relayed the details of the phone call. That Alex had called. That he refused to say where he was. But that he did say that he and Jacob were ok. That she had begged him to come home. And then he hung up. She had told the story to him a million times. Nick asked the same questions over and over. Did Alex say where he is, did he give any clue where he is, why did he call, was Tess sure it was Alex? Tess was beginning to get frustrated. She had told him already. She wished she had more to tell, she didn't. She started to think of all the things she should have said to Alex or asked him. But it all happened so quickly.

"What should we do Nick? Maybe we should call the police, maybe they can trace the call or something." Tess asked

"No" Nick answered without further explanation. There was something about calling the police on his brother that just didn't sit right with him.

"We should tell Stevie and Dave." Tess suggested.

"I'm not sure that's a good thing to do" Nick answered her "Let me think for a minute."

"Nick! How can you even say that? I know Alex is your brother, But Stevie is like my sister, I have to tell her, I can't keep this from her, and I have to tell her that Jacob is all right. Imagine if it was Harrison, wouldn't you want to know that he was alright?"

Nick saw there was no talking her out of that part of it. She reached for the car keys.

"I suppose I better come with you." He mumbled as he followed her out the door. This could get very messy.

Dave answered the door, and was somewhat surprised that Nick and Tess Ryan were standing there. His shock must have shown on his face

"We just dropped in for a visit," Tess explained. "Sorry, we should have called first. We were in the neighborhood and wanted to see how the baby is."

"Oh, you are welcome any time, come in." Dave opened the door to let them in.

"Oh isn't she a darling" Tess exclaimed, "Can I hold her?"

"Of course, she's a Brewer, she inherited good looks from her dad." Dave passed the infant over to Tess.

Tess than glanced over to Nick expectantly, as if to tell him to say something.

This look didn't go unnoticed by Dave "Is there another reason you stopped by?" He asked.

"Where's Stevie? Tess asked.

"Upstairs taking a shower, she will be down soon." Dave replied.

Tess nodded. Nick realized if this was going to happen he would have to be the one to start talking, besides Alex was his brother, it seemed like his responsibility. Anyhow it was probably a good idea to tell Dave alone, and then leave Dave to tell Stevie.

"Well, Tess got a phone call today" Nick began.

"That's great Tess, congratulations" Dave slapped her playfully on the shoulder.

"From Alex." Nick continued.

"Oh Right" Dave responded as he sat down. He always expected one day Alex Ryan would somehow worm his way back into their lives. But he didn't quite expect it would be today. He looked over to his baby girl. Why did Alex have to start causing trouble just as Dave had started to get his family together?

"What did he want?" Dave asked

"Not much, I'm not sure why he called." Tess replied

"Did he say where he is?" Dave questioned.

"No. He wouldn't tell me," Tess answered with tears forming in her eyes. She tried so hard to reach Alex, to convince him to come home.

Dave was almost relieved that Alex hadn't revealed his whereabouts. Truthfully he would be almost glad if they never heard from Alex Ryan again. He wanted Jacob to come home to his mother, but he didn't want Alex as part of that package.

"And Jacob?" Dave asked

"Um, Alex said he's fine…' Tess continued.

"That's good" Dave nodded "Look I don't think we need to tell Stevie about this. It would only upset her." Dave suggested.

"Don't you think she has a right to know her son is ok?" Nick responded. Even though Nick himself had doubts about telling Stevie about the phone call, hearing Dave suggest keeping it quiet somehow bothered him. There had been longstanding tension between the two men ever since Tess had chosen to be with Nick over Dave.

"I think she has a right to be with her son and love him and raise him and your brother took that away from her!" Dave replied.

Nick suddenly felt defensive towards his brother. Alex had done a completely stupid thing, but Nick wasn't about to let Dave stand there and attack him.

"What's the matter mate? Scared that even the mention of my brother name and Stevie will realize what a big mistake she made marrying you." Nick responded.

Dave laughed, "You Ryan's are unbelievable. You think I am threatened by Alex? He is the one who ran, took her baby and broke her heart. Why would you think I am threatened by that? Stevie and I have a real family."

"Stop it, both of you, this isn't getting anywhere." Tess told them both. "And Dave, I'm sorry if you disagree, but I think Stevie has a right to know."

"A right to know what?" Stevie asked as she entered the kitchen.

Dave spoke quickly "The fences are down in the far paddock, I didn't want to bother you. But Nick offered to help me fix them, you stay and visit with Tess."

Stevie looked from Tess, to Nick, to Dave. Their eyes, all of them, she could tell something more was going on. Either that or she was losing the plot.

Stevie looked over to Tess holding her baby girl. Seeing anyone hold her daughter she was compelled to go and snatch the child back. But she restrained herself, keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the little girl. Words rang in her ears, that day Charlotte went missing,

"I did my best" Stevie had insisted

"Its not good enough" Tess replied coldly

Then Stevie looked over to Nick. She remembered when Harrison was a baby. Nick was lying to Tess about visiting him. Stevie confronted him about it. And his words haunted her since that day.

"You might be able to walk away from your child, but I cant"

And here the two of them sat in her kitchen, Tess holding her baby girl. She knew what they were thinking. She wasn't good enough to be Rose's mother, not good enough to look after BOM for even a few hours, not good enough to even have the right to know where Jacob was, not good enough to be a mother to this baby girl.

Stevie sat beside Tess and took the baby from her. She wasn't sure what was about to happen, but whatever it was she wanted her baby with her.

She looked up to Dave "Tell me the truth" She demanded as she held her little girl protectively.

Dave looked away, Nick looked down at his shoes. It was Tess who spoke up where the others were afraid to.

"Alright. I'll tell you Stevie." Tess began as she put her hand on her friend's hand. "This morning I got a phone call from Alex."

Stevie was stunned; the words took a while to sink in.

"Alex?" She asked in disbelief. "He called you?"

Dave moved to stand behind where Stevie was sitting, and placed his hands on her shoulder. Stevie was too shocked to even ask what he had said, or why he had called. She looked down to the little girl in her arms and tried to make sense of what she had just heard. Tess continued with the details of the call, emphasizing that Alex had said that Jacob was all right and a happy, healthy little boy. Stevie made no response.

"Well thanks for stopping by, I think you should leave now" Dave suggested bluntly.

Nick nodded, but Tess remained still, sitting next to her best friend.

"No. Don't go" Stevie insisted "Tell me again, tell me everything again."

"Stevie, don't do this to yourself." Dave told her.

She pushed his hand away from her shoulder. "I want to hear about my son. If you don't like it then you leave. You never wanted him to come back; you never wanted Alex to call. It's more convenient for you if they are out of the picture." She shot at him.

Her words stung him. After all the time and effort and money he had put into searching for Alex and Jacob. He tried to tell himself that she was upset and didn't mean it. But it was no consolation.

"Come on Tess, let's go" Nick took his wife by the hand, not wanting to get in the middle of a domestic argument.

Stevie looked over to Nick, "And you are just as bad. You always thought your brother did the right thing by taking Jacob. You're glad he did it aren't you? All of you are in on this with him! You never thought I was good enough for Alex! You never thought I was good enough to be Jacobs mother…"

Tess tried to calm her friend "Stevie that isn't true. You know that isn't true. What Alex did is nothing to do with us. I know you are shocked that we heard from Alex, I am too…let's just sit and talk about it?"

Stevie took a deep breath, and surveyed the three faces staring back at her. They all thought she was completely crazy, that was for certain. She could hear them thinking 'poor girl, lost her mind since Alex left her'

Tess, Nick, Dave…all glad that Alex had left…all glad that Jacob was far away…

The little girl stirred in her arms.

"Here, I'll take her" Dave offered, as he reached for the baby.

"No, she's my baby and I can look after her" Stevie responded.

There was no way any of them would get their hands on this baby. Maybe that's why Nick and Tess came over in the first place? They didn't have their own children and now they wanted hers. Or maybe when Alex called he wanted to take this little girl away too. She realized on some level that these thoughts were not completely rational, but fear overwhelmed her, and reality drifted further and further away from her grasp.

And Dave just stood there; he was supposed to be her husband. He was supposed to be this baby's father. Was he just going to let these people take her away? He wasn't even going to mention that Alex called. He didn't think Stevie was a fit mother for Jacob, just like the rest of them. And the way he tried to take the baby from her just moments ago. He thought she was an unfit mother for this little girl too. Maybe they were all right. But there was no way Stevie was going to let them get their hands on this baby.

They were all watching her, and she knew it. She spoke quietly to the baby as she held her close. She moved slowly and carefully, not wanting to disturb the little girl, and not wanting to alarm the others.

"Yes let's sit and talk about it." She agreed.

She could hear Dave sigh in relief. Nick and Tess seated themselves at the table, and Dave put the kettle on.

"I'll put the baby down for her nap." Stevie told Dave as she smiled at him. Then she quickly picked up the car keys and headed for the door.

It took a minute for the others to realize what had happened, but they quickly followed. Stevie had put the infant into her car seat and made her way to the driver's door when Dave caught up with her.

He spoke gently and quietly "Come on Stevie you're in no state to be driving, lets just go inside."

"Don't touch me, just stay away from us!" She screamed at him pushing him away.

He grabbed her harder this time and snatched the keys from her.

"I wont let you take my baby away from me!" She screamed hysterically at him.

He realized words were futile and stood silently restraining her as she fiercely attempted to fight him off.

The baby was screaming form the back seat of the car, and Nick reached inside and picked the child up while Tess and Dave tried to calm Stevie down.

"Let me go!" She screamed at Dave.

"Just calm down first" He told her.

She looked over to Nick holding her baby girl. And in that moment he looked just like Alex. Just like Alex holding Jacob.

"Give me back my baby!" She screamed at him. She kicked Dave hard trying to break free, but with no success "You can't do this to me!" She screamed at them.

Tess took the crying infant from Nick. "Ok. Everyone just calm down. Why don't you guys go and fix those fences and Stevie and I will go and make lunch." Tess suggested.

Stevie stood still for a moment. Realizing that she had calmed down somewhat, Dave loosened his grasp on her. She turned to him

"Stevie…." He began

"Just go and fix the fences," She told him looking away from him.

Dave and Nick headed off to the paddock. Stevie stood looking at Tess holding her baby girl.

"Come on, I think she's hungry, lets go inside." Tess suggested.

"Give her to me" Stevie said

"Just come inside and I will, come on, its ok, just come inside."

Not having many other options she followed Tess into the house.


	9. Chapter 9

Ryan stayed at his friends house for the night. It was the first night they had been apart. Alex missed him. But was grateful for the time alone to reflect. Words from the conversation with Tess rang in his ears…not any specific words, just the sound of her voice. Images of Jodi and of Rose flashed through his mind. They had been so close to him, so close to Ryan.

He reached for a bottle of whiskey. It was something he hadn't made a habit of since being single dad. But tonight he made an exception. He had to find a way to wash away the past, all the mistakes, all the memories. The only thing he wanted was him and Ryan. That was all. The rest was best forgotten. He made a mistake calling Drovers. But now that it was done, it wasn't so easy to forget about it. Just the thought of it made him sick to his stomach. He tried to forget it, but with each moment that went on his anxiety heightened.

What had he expected Tess to say?

iCome home./i

Why did he ring her, when he knew she would say that? Why did he want to hear her say that? It was the last thing he wanted to hear, but he knew it was the first thing she would say. She said a lot of useless stuff, but every once in a while she hit the nail on the head. It wasn't the first time he had considered coming home. Over the years it had occurred to him once or twice. But it was quickly put aside when he thought of all he stood to lose. But it was all getting so much harder now. Ryan was getting older, asking questions. And then seeing Jodi and Rose at the rodeo. Then speaking to Tess. Everything was just getting so much harder.

He took another drink. He was often too scared to close his eyes. Scared of the dreams, of the faces and the voices of the past that haunt him. Tonight he didn't need to sleep, or even to close his eyes. He was already surrounded.

bNick./b He hadn't even spoken to Nick. Why couldn't Nick have answered the phone? Alex wondered over the years what Nick would have made of all this if he knew the full story. Out of everyone it was Nick he came close to confiding in, but he stopped himself. Nick was a loyal brother, but he was a 'do things by the book' kind of guy. And Alex wasn't certain, not a hundred percent certain, how Nick would react.

bCharlotte./b Tess said she is riding like her mum. Guilt surged though his heart that he wasn't there for Claire's little girl. He consoled himself by reminding himself it sounded like she was doing fine without him. It occurred to him frequently that he should have taken BOM too. She should be here, with him and Ryan, not with that nob. BOM was his little girl in every way that mattered. It warmed his heart to hear of her on Drovers. Tess would look out for her. But still, he felt he had let her down, not that BOM would notice, she probably didn't even remember him, but he had made a promise to look out for her, and he broke it. He silently added her name to the long list of people he had let down. Alex knew he had made mistakes, and made choices. Choices that hurt people. But it was for Ryan. He couldn't let Ryan down. Once again he reminded himself of that, as if it excused everything else, as if it made up for the pain he caused, and the things he had lost.

bStevie……../bhe slammed his eyes shut not wanting to go there.

It was a lot easier for him if he told himself that he didn't love her. It was a lot easier to live with the fact that he had hurt her so deeply, that they hurt each other so deeply. He tried not to think of her, because to think of her was to love her, and there was still no way to get around that even after all these years.

He wondered occasionally, on nights like tonight where there was no distraction from such thoughts, was she the same person he left behind? Was he the same person as when he left? Undoubtedly not. He played a little game in his head, imagining what he would say to her if she was standing right here? What would he say if he wrote her a letter? It was pointless really, and served only to torment him. He tried to picture her face. Not her face from the memories of the time they shared together. But her face right now. He couldn't do it. The look in her eyes must be something that he just didn't want to see.

So once again he told himself he didn't love her, he never loved her, he was on the rebound. They were best mates, he would admit that much to himself, but no more.

Claire was the only woman he really loved. Claire was gone. And now nothing mattered. He could do what he wanted, hurt who he wanted, leave behind his old life. Because Claire was his life, and she was gone.

He closed his eyes, and image of Claire flashed before him. It wasn't often he let himself stop and think of her like this. It hurt too much. He just sat there, remembering, imagining, crying silent tears for all the years they should have had. He opened his eyes. But the image was still there. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and looked down to the bottle of whiskey. Defiantly time to stop drinking. He looked up, she was still there. He laughed to himself. Now he was seeing ghosts. He shook his head one last time, still she was standing in the corner of the room. He looked over to her, into her eyes. Claire. Hallucinating or not, That was Claire.

He tried to speak her name, but no words came out. He tried to move, but he couldn't, only silent tears fell down his face as he looked over to his angel. Things were supposed to be so different. There were so many things he wanted to say but he was powerless. There were so many things that he wanted to hear her say. Things he had imagined for years. All the things they would have said to one another during their life time, all the things they should have had the chance to say, all of the things he'd tell her in heaven. If he ever got there.

None of them came close to the words that came out of her mouth at that moment.

"Alex. This isn't right" She sternly told him.

The tone of her voice, that stubborn look in her eyes- that was Claire.

He looked over to her. This wasn't the conversation he wanted to have with her. Even a hallucination of her.

"Don't tell me what's right McLeod. Nothing is right anymore. Where are you? Where is BOM? Where is our family? Where is our future? That's not right. You left me here. Don't stand there and tell me what's right." He insisted as he threw the bottle off the bed. He was determined to stay away from the whiskey from now on, it seemed to only make things worse. It wasn't Claire he was angry at, and he knew that. There was just so much anger inside him for so long, so much injustice, so much pain, so much guilt. The last thing he needed was for her to stand there judging him.

"Alex what are you doing? Take a look around, take a look at your life, is this where you really want to be?" She asked.

"I like the city fine" It wasn't true and they both knew it, but he wasn't about to let himself be told what he did or didn't like.

"That isn't what I meant. And you know it." She replied patiently.

The city. He had come here to escape, to hide, to be lost and never found again. No one was supposed to come here, no one was supposed to find him here. Not Rose, Not Jodi, Not Claire.

He felt stupid for a moment arguing with this ghost, or hallucination, or whatever it was before him.

"You don't understand" He told her defensively "You're gone, and you don't understand what its like without you. All I wanted was to live my life with you." He tried to explain it to her.

"That's what I wanted too" She told him, as her tone softened. "But it's not going to happen, not in this life" She stated so simply. The words were so true, so simple. But they cut right through his heart. And for that fleeting moment, he longed for her so desperately; he longed to leave this life behind. If this life meant no Claire, then what was the point of it? But then he thought of Ryan. Ryan was his life now.

He fell silent, and she continued on "Don't use me to excuse the choices you made Alex."

He should have known Claire wouldn't feed him a line to make him feel better. She told him the truth, straight up. The plain and simple truth. And it hurt like hell. He fumbled for something to say in return, but his mind went blank.

She repeated again "This isn't right." She wasn't angry, and he's seen her angry plenty of times. But she was so firm.

"I never said it was right. What do you want me to do about it?" He asked her. Now he really lost the plot. Not only talking to a hallucination, but asking advice.

"Do you want me to draw you a picture?" She asked him rolling her eyes.

How could she stand there, ordering him around like she always did, rolling her eyes at him. Just like old times, just like everything was ok. Didn't she realize how serious this was? She was dead, he loved her, and now he had nothing. Nothing left expect Ryan, and she was asking him to give Ryan up too.

"You don't understand Claire. I can't do that. I can't lose my son." He tried to convince her, as if that would somehow make everything justifiable.

"Stop telling me I don't understand. I understand what it's like to be a mother, and not to be able to be with your baby." She stated. Once again she wasn't being spiteful or cruel, she simply stated the truth, and it cut right through his heart.

Alex turned his head away, unable to look her in the eyes. Her words were true. It wasn't right. None of this was right. Ryan shouldn't be apart from his mother. But what about Alex? Didn't anyone care about him? Didn't anyone care that it would kill him to lose his son? Even Claire didn't seem to care. He had no argument for her. No response to her statement. He could find no words to defend himself. He had lost the argument, as he often did when he was up against Claire.

"If you need me to say it, I'll say it" She told him. She paused before continuing, "Alex, Go home."

iHome./i That word stung him. Home. Where was his home? He had no home. Not anymore.

"I can't do that" He answered quickly.

"Yes you can" She told him.

"I don't want to" He whispered quietly.

"You have to." She responded just as quietly.


	10. Chapter 10

Nick and Dave walked silently to the paddock.

"Your fences really are in a mess." Nick observed.

"Well no kidding" Dave answered.

"So that wasn't just a lie you told to Stevie to prevent her hearing about Alex." Nick observed.

Dave shuddered at the mention of Alex. His name was not one that came up in conversation often. And when it did, it always turned ugly.

"My relationship with my wife is really none of your business" Dave answered coldly, wanting to stop the conversation before it could get any further.

"What are you so scared of mate?" Nick asked.

"I didn't want Stevie to be upset by this, which is exactly what happened." Dave responded, quickly getting frustrated with Nick.

"You don't want Alex to come home. You're scared of losing her to my brother aren't you?" Nick kept on.

Dave took a deep breath, determined not to dignify that remark with a response. Truth was that he already lost Stevie. The Stevie he once knew was long gone, buried deep down somewhere under a mountain of pain and betrayal and fear. And the harder he tried to reach her, the further she sank away from him. But none of that was something he'd share with Nick. So he busied himself fixing the fences, they really were in need of work. "What's it to you, Stevie is right, you never thought she was good enough for a Ryan." Dave answered back.

"Well turned out I was right about that, she drove my brother out of town" Nick answered. He hadn't really meant it to sound quite like that. But if it wasn't for Stevie, then Alex would still be here where he belonged. And Nick couldn't just forget that.

Dave threw the fence post to the ground "Listen mate, how dare you come here onto my property making comments like that about my wife. Your brother is cold heartless bastard who abandoned her."

Both men felt the anger rising now. Truthfully neither of them knew the exact circumstances surrounding Alex's disappearance. But this never stopped them from arguing about it.

For Nick, it was so much easier for him to blame Stevie for driving him away. To blame Stevie and Dave for keeping him away. And he figured if Alex knew that Stevie and Dave were married, and that they had a daughter, then he'd have no reason to ever come home.

For Dave, living day in day out with the memory of Alex and Jacob his anger burned against Alex Ryan. And for Nick to be standing there blaming Stevie for everything that happened, and suggesting that Dave was jealous of Alex, that was the final straw. The battle lines were drawn and these two men would never again be mates. The discussion came to a standstill there and then, as there really was nothing left to say. Both men made their point, and stood by it unswervingly. He issue of Alex was put aside, but the discussion continued.

"So it's ok for you to take advantage of her?" Nick responded.

"Excuse me?" Dave asked incredulously.

"I know the real reason you married her" Nick reasoned.

"And what would that be?" Dave questioned him sarcastically. How dare Nick Ryan presume to know the reason Dave did anything.

"Because she belongs to a Ryan" Nick answered "Just like Tess"

Tess. That was still an issue between the two men, although once again rarely spoken of. Things seemed to resolve after Tess had chosen to be with Nick. But there was always underlying tension between the two men, and now the issue of Alex Ryan had severed their friendship once and for all.

"I can't believe you are still going on about Tess, that was ancient history. She's your wife now. Maybe you are the one who isn't secure in your marriage?" Dave commented.

Nick ignored this and continued on "I suppose it doesn't matter why you and Stevie got together. We all know it wont last, with or without Alex in the picture. You'll get sick of her in the end, just like all the rest, Tess, Regan, Kate…"

Dave stood stunned "Well excuse me Mr Perfect husband, at least I don't have a baby with another woman"

Nick's eyes widened in shock, he wasn't expecting that to be thrown in his face. He could only nod silently.

"Your wife needs help" Nick told him changing the subject once again "Professional help. She really isn't in any state of mind to be looking after a baby."

"Don't tell me how to look after my wife and my baby mate." Dave answered "If you and your nosey wife hadn't come around here, none of this would have happened!" Dave shot back, raising his voice.

"Listen Brewer if I ever find out that you are keeping something from me about Alex, or if you do anything to stand in the way of him coming home, you'll be sorry! Do you hear me?"

If Dave wasn't so angry he would have laughed "Yeah? Well you come here again on my property insulting my wife and causing trouble for my family, and you'll be the one who is sorry!"

Once inside the house Tess and Stevie sat, and Tess handed the baby back to Stevie. Once she had her daughter in her arms she calmed somewhat. Tess was speaking to her, Stevie tried to drown out the sound of her voice rather unsuccessfully.

"You just need to calm down and get some perspective" Tess was telling her.

"Yeah thanks for that Tess" Stevie replied sarcastically. Did Tess really think it was that easy to just 'calm down'.

"I know you're upset, you have every right to be upset, but this little girl needs you, so just…"

"Don't tell me what my little girl needs" Stevie shot back.

"Stevie please, I am not the enemy. Neither is Dave…" Tess began.

"Don't talk about Dave to me. You made it perfectly clear what you think about our relationship" Stevie answered.

Tess opened her mouth to protest, although she wasn't certain she'd be able to. Truthfully she felt the marriage was an incredibly stupid idea. But now there was a baby involved, it was all so much more complicated.

Before Tess had the chance to respond, Stevie turned to her "Tell me about Jacob, tell me what Alex said. Tell me every word." She demanded to know.

"All right." That was why Tess had come here anyway, to tell Stevie that her son was ok. Only now was she questioning whether or not she made the right decision.

She relayed the details of the phone call. Describing the little boy using Alex's words. "Alex said Jacob is fine, a happy little boy. That he's really clever, he can write his name and count to 100. His favorite color is blue, and he talks a lot. He likes drawing. He is popular at school, even with the little girls. He's scared of the dark, and wont go to sleep without his teddy bear. He loves to eat, especially spaghetti. He wants to be an astronaught when he grows up. And Alex said not to worry, he is looking after Jacob well." As she repeated that last sentence Tess paused, realizing how ridiculous it sounded to tell Stevie not to worry. And she began to wonder if Dave had been right, what was the point in telling Stevie all these things?

Stevie sat silently, and nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on her precious baby girl. Her expression didn't change. She simply listened carefully.

"Is that everything he said?" Stevie asked.

"Yes" Tess replied.

"Get out" Stevie told her.

"Stevie…" Tess began.

"Get out of my house" Stevie repeated calmly but firmly.

Staying was only escalating the situation, so Tess left to find Nick, Grateful for the uncomplicated relationship she had with her husband.

Stevie momentarily felt bad kicking Tess out like that. Tess was right, she wasn't the enemy. But since the person she wanted to take her anger out on wasn't here, Tess was a reasonable substitute. Stevie went upstairs and put the girl into her crib. Only then did she allow herself to think about her little boy. Jacob was her baby, Not Dave's, Not Tess', only hers. And she wanted to be alone to grieve for the little boy she never really knew.

Sometime later she heard the kitchen door open, and Dave coming up the stairs. Stevie rolled over on the bed, pretending to be asleep. She didn't feel like talking with him. She heard Dave ask her quietly if she was sleeping. She didn't answer. She felt him kiss her on the top of her head. She closed her eyes. She hadn't meant to get him involved in all this. She was hard on him earlier. He really deserved so much more than this.

"I know you're awake, because you're not snoring." He told her.

"I do not snore" She couldn't help but reply as she turned over to face him. His big grin was contagious and she couldn't help but smile back at him.

His gaze drifted down to her arms, covered in bruises. "Did I do that?" He asked, casting his mind back to the events earlier that day when he had tried to stop her driving off with the baby.

"Don't worry about it" She told him as she pulled her arms away from him. She'd rather not discuss that particular moment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you" He told her

"I'm sorry too, just forget it." She told him. Any trace of a smile was gone, as she sensed the direction this conversation was heading, and wished she had ignored his silly comment about her snoring and stayed asleep.

"I can't just forget it. I'm really worried about you. How do I know I can go to work and not come home one day and find you gone?" From the tone of his voice, and the look in his eyes, she could tell this really frightened him.

Stevie wanted to protest that she never would do that to him. But how could she when only today she tried exactly that? She hadn't been thinking clearly. But that wasn't really any excuse. After living without Jacob all this time, how could she take a baby away from its parent? Especially a loving parent like Dave. It wasn't that she didn't care about Dave, she did. But she cared first and foremost about her daughter, and if she had to hurt Dave to protect her little girl, then she would do it. Having no answer for him that would satisfy him, she steered the conversation in another direction. Alex was not something they talked about. Ever. And since the conversation was already on the table she decided she may as well use this moment to say what needed to be said, and then lay it to rest. "You weren't even going to tell me that Alex called." She stated.

Dave couldn't deny that. "I didn't want to upset you." Dave tried to defend his choice.

"Well, you did." She replied. "You lied to me, and you promised me you wouldn't do that again. You don't want them to come back, do you?" She asked him.

"Stevie how can you say that to me? More than anything I want Jacob to come home." Dave said this honestly. It wasn't Jacob that he was afraid of.

"And Alex?" She asked.

"Look, sorry if Alex Ryan isn't my favourite person." Dave told her.

"Why does he bother you so much?" She asked.

"Look. You and Alex, you were together, …"

"So were you and Regan" Stevie interrupted.

He ignored this "I understand that you still have feelings for Alex, it's only natural." Dave said.

"Feelings!" She repeated "He kidnapped my child, the only feelings I have left for him, is that I want to kill him." She said almost as if trying to convince herself more than Dave. Truthfully while she was angry and hurt, yes there were still deep feelings for him. And in her dreams he would come to her, with their little boy, and tell her this had all been a mistake, a nightmare. She'd hold her little boy, and Alex would put his arms around her and tell her that everything would be ok, just like he used to. And no matter what has happened in the last four years, just like back then, she would have believed him.

Dave continued on "Well, that's the point, you share a child, that will always bond you together." He explained.

"You and I share a child" She responded "That will always bond us together Dave." She told him. She could see that this thing with Alex was really bothering him. Alex wasn't even here, and perhaps they would never see him again in this life time. She tried to find some words that would calm him down. She couldn't. What did he want her to say? "You knew I had other children when you married me Dave. I don't understand why this bothers you so much now."

"I guess I didn't realize until today, how scared I am of losing you. I suppose if Alex walked in the door right this minute you'd leave me, take our daughter, and go and be with him. I know how much you love Jacob, I know you'd do anything to be with him." Dave tried to explain his fears.

Stevie felt bad for Dave, he really was frightened. "Yeah I would do anything to have my son back, that doesn't include Alex." She reassured him.

"He is Jacob's father, he will always be part of Jacob's life, of your life, of our life" Dave went on.

Stevie sat up in bed and looked over to her husband, trying very hard to recall exactly what she had told him about Alex and Jacob. Was it possible that Dave didn't know that Alex isn't even Jacob's father?

She supposed it didn't really matter. Alex was supposed to be Jacob's father, and he was in every way that mattered. And now he was the only father Jacob had known for the last four years. If Alex and Jacob ever came home then Alex would be intertwined in their lives. Stevie wouldn't have the heart to take away the only parent the boy had ever known. There was no way around that.

"Why did he call? Why today?" Dave asked her.

"How should I know? None of you were even going to tell me he called. And he didn't even call me, he called Tess, so go ask her." Stevie replied, quickly losing patience with this conversation.

"Has he ever contacted you, since the day he left?" Dave asked. He didn't know why he asked. Surely Stevie would have told him something like that.

She didn't answer, but the look in her eyes gave her away. Yes she had spoken to him since he left.

"There's so much I don't understand, about what happened. I wish you would just talk to me about it. Why are you keeping things from me?" Dave asked her

"Because they aren't important. You know everything you need to know." She replied.

Dave hated talking about this topic, he really didn't have the heart for it. Which is why it was almost never discussed, and why he never got any closer to finding answers about exactly what happened with Alex and Stevie all those years ago. He reached the point where he couldn't take it any more. The look in her eyes at the mention of Jacob or Alex was just too much for him to cope with.

"Let's not think about the past, lets think about the future, about our daughter. The poor kid really needs a name." Dave reminded her

Most of the time it suited Stevie just fine that Dave didn't want to talk about Alex. But tonight he had brought up all those memories, all those things she'd rather forget, and now he expected her to just drop the conversation and play happy families? Still, that's exactly what she did. She watched as Dave gently picked up the little girl from her crib. The look on his face as he looked down at the baby was magic.

"Yes, I suppose she does need a name." Stevie agreed. She smiled watching Dave with the baby, it was hard not to. And as they sat together, the perfect little family, trying out names for their new daughter, the discussion from moments ago faded away. It was amazing how a little tiny baby could make you smile, no matter how hard you were determined not to. And for that moment, everything else vanished, and they were just a normal, happy family.


	11. Chapter 11

Stevie saw the look of hesitation in Dave's eyes when she asked him to go into town to pick up some groceries. He was still scared she would take off, that he would come home and find her gone.

"Why don't you guys come with me? We can try out the new baby seat?" He suggested.

"Dave I'm tired, and I just don't want to face all those people, not yet." She tried to explain to him.

"Alright" He nodded.

For a minute she thought he was going to ask to take the baby with him, but he didn't. She was sleeping soundly in her crib.

She smiled at him "Its ok, we'll be fine, see you soon." She kissed him goodbye as he picked up the car keys from the table.

Not long after Dave left, Stevie heard a knock at the door. Stevie swore under her breath as she imagined all the things she would throw at Tess and Nick if they had returned.

"Regan!" Stevie exclaimed in surprise as she opened the door.

"I know I probably should have called first…" Regan began, suddenly unsure if turning up like this was such a good idea.

"You don't need to call first, don't be silly." Stevie replied as she embraced her friend.

Regan relaxed and smiled "It's so good to see you again, it's been so long."

"Well are you coming in or are you going to stand on the doorstep all day?" Stevie asked as she opened the door to invite Regan in.

Stevie put the kettle on as Regan surveyed the house, it was a nice little place. No where near as big as Drovers, but it was beautiful in its own way.

"How's life in the USA?" Stevie asked her.

"You know, just work really, nothing much. I'm sorry, I should have made more effort to keep in touch."

"Yeah I'm sorry too." Stevie added. She had written a few times to Regan after she left, but things spun out of control so quickly that she hadn't kept it up. Regan stopped writing when she heard about Stevie's relationship with Dave.

"Did you see Jodi and Rose? They were going to stop by and see you on their trip. I am so proud of them, I bet they are having so much fun." Stevie tried to talk about everything and anything other than Dave.

"Yes I saw them, and they are having a blast." Regan responded. "You didn't invite me …to the wedding" she added.

"We didn't really invite anyone. It was just us." Stevie told her.

"You eloped?" Regan asked surprised

"Yeah." Stevie answered. "Look this is awkward, considering, you and Dave……."

"Nah" Regan cut her off "Me and Dave? I guess it wasn't meant to be. I made the decision to leave him, I have to live with that. " Her voice grew distant. Suddenly she snapped back to reality "I don't want that to come between us Stevie."

"Me either" She added with a smile. Friends were hard to come by theses days.

"Where is Dave?" Regan asked hesitantly.

"He's gone in to town" Stevie replied "He won't be back for hours" She added quickly. She didn't want Regan to think she had to leave anytime soon. There was so much to catch up on.

They were interrupted by the sound of the baby crying.

Stevie looked over to Regan wondering if anyone had told her about the baby. She was relieved to see Regan didn't seem surprised to hear the crying.

"Is that your daughter? Rose told me about her baby sister. Can I see her?" Regan asked.

"Sure, I'll go get her" Stevie answered. Although she wasn't sure at all it was such a good idea. Why would Regan want to see her and Dave's baby? Stevie cast her mind back to all those times she and Regan had late night talks at Drovers. One night after far too much champagne Regan had announced she and Dave would have 6 children. All girls. She had named them already. But Regan was right, she was the one who ended the relationship and walked away. And she was the one now sitting in the kitchen asking to see the baby.

Stevie brought the baby into the kitchen, smiling proudly at her daughter. She hadn't had much opportunity to show her off until now.

"She's so beautiful" Regan commented, and from the tone of her voice she could tell Regan meant it.

"Yeah, she looks a lot like Rose at that age" Stevie remarked.

"Can I hold her?" Regan asked.

This surprised Stevie that Regan would want to hold her, but for once she didn't hesitate handing the baby over. She knew the baby was safe with Regan.

"I bet Dave is over the moon." Regan added.

"Yeah he is" Stevie replied, uncertain what to say.

"And you? Are you happy?" Regan asked.

"Sure" Stevie answered finally.

"You don't sound convinced" Regan prompted her.

Stevie shrugged her shoulders. "What do you want me to say? Dave is a good man, a good father, and I am happy that I have a beautiful health baby girl, but……" Her voice trailed off.

"But?" Regan asked.

"I can't just forget about Jacob, about Alex." She added quietly.

Regan nodded, understanding exactly what Stevie meant.

"Does Tess know you're here?" Stevie asked brightly changing the subject

"Not yet, it was sort of a surprise visit." Regan told her "I'll drop by later. I wanted to see you first."

"Why?" Stevie asked.

Regan wasn't ready to answer that question just yet. "Hey you never told me, what's your daughters name?"

Stevie smiled "That's because we haven't decided yet, poor little thing."

Regan laughed too "You better make up your mind soon."

And just for a moment it was like old times for the two friends, as if none of this had happened. No Alex, no Dave, no Jacob, just two friends laughing and joking as if nothing had ever changed.


	12. Chapter 12

Denise Bell smiled to herself as she tipped the contents of the take away containers into the saucepan. She would pretend that she cooked it herself, and he'd never know the difference. She briefly thought of actually cooking something, but that was far too much time and effort, and she needed to find the right outfit.

She surveyed herself in the mirror and smiled, pleased at what she saw. She wanted to make a good impression. She chose a white knee length skirt, a green top which perfectly highlighted her eyes, and a belt that matched the outfit perfectly. The finishing touch was her cowboy boots. They were all the way from Australia, given to her by a friend who had lived over there. She thought back to her earlier conversation with Marcus. She knew she hadn't been wrong about that accent. She heard the same accent in her friend Regan. He was defiantly Australian.

Next door Ryan was also looking into the mirror. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day, not after his father told him the news. They were going to be having dinner with someone.

"_Who?" Ryan asked innocently_

"_A nice lady" His father answered._

His father said no more about her, and Ryan just knew that it was going to be his mum. He knew she was coming to find him. And tonight they would all have dinner together, just like a real family.

He brushed his teeth, Properly this time not like he usually did. He thought it best to have clean teeth when he met his mother. He frowned at his appearance and turned to the opened closet door, and looked longingly inside. He had tried on every piece of clothing he owned. He never cared much what he wore, as long as it was comfortable. But tonight was special and he wanted to wear something special.

He recalled his conversation with his play mate Justin from earlier that day. Justin had been the first to hear the news about the dinner with his mother.

"_But what will I wear?" Ryan asked him._

_Justin answered decisively "Wear your special clothes."_

"_Special clothes?" Ryan asked confused_

"_You know, like your mum makes you wear to a wedding" He explained._

"_I've never been to a wedding" he answered. "I don't think I have any special clothes" He wondered about his parents wedding. Did they even have a wedding? He would have to ask his father about that. _

"_I bet once your mum comes to live with you she will make you wear special clothes for all kinds of things, its really annoying, like when you go to church, or when you visit your grandma" Justin told him._

_Ryan decided he wouldn't be annoyed if he had to wear special clothes every single day and dress like he is going to a wedding, he just wanted his mum to be with him. _

"_But what about tonight??? What do I wear???? " Ryan asked desperately._

"_Your mum will love you in any clothes, that's what mums do" Justin told him._

Given that he didn't have a mum, he decided to take Justin's word for it that all mums still love their boys even if they have no special clothes. But now that he was standing here trying to decide what to wear, he was suddenly afraid again. What if he didn't have special clothes and his mum didn't like him?

He heard the sound of his fathers footsteps coming up the hallway.

"Ryan, are you ready? We have to leave soon."

"No I'm not ready!" Ryan answered bitterly.

Alex was surprised at the tone in Ryan's voice, he was usually such a happy and polite kid.

"What's up mate?" Alex asked his son as he entered the room and sat on the bed.

"I haven't got any special clothes" Ryan said as he folded his arms and looked accusingly at his father.

"Uh special clothes?" Alex asked "You have lots of nice things, why don't you wear your jeans and that blue jumper, it's your favorite."

"NO THEY ARENT SPECIAL! I need some special clothes like that you wear for a wedding. Justin said so" Ryan explained.

Alex nodded, still stunned by this angry outburst over clothing, since when did his son care about clothes? But behind his little boys angry words he sensed something deeper, a sadness. " Oh well, if Justin said then I guess we can get some special clothes on the weekend if you like. But we aren't going to a wedding tonight. So put your jeans on and hurry up and get ready. Okay?" Alex answered as he smiled at his son.

Ryan wasn't happy with this, but suddenly smiled and looked up to his dad "Do you have special clothes?" He asked.

"Well I guess not" Alex answered. Confused by this conversation, but intrigued at the same time.

"What did you wear to your wedding? Where you married my mum? Did you have special clothes then?" He asked innocently, unaware and unprepared for the effect this question would have on his father.

"Come on, there is no time for this nonsense, we are already late. Hurry up! I asked you to get dressed an hour ago." Alex scolded his son. He instantly regretted the tone in his voice, but desperately needed to end that conversation. To prevent himself from taking his anger out on the boy, Alex left the room.

Ryan was unhappy that his father was angry with him for taking so long to get dressed, dissapointed that his father wouldn't tell him about the wedding, and most of all angry that he had no special clothes.

"You're mean! I wish I lived with my mum. If my mum was here I would have special clothes." He yelled out after his father.

But no answer came. He sat with his arms folded on the bed for a moment. And then reminded himself he didn't want to keep his mum waiting, so he put on his jeans and blue jumper and hurried out to meet his father.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey I want to show something to you, lets go for a walk" Stevie announced, with a hint of excitement in her eyes. Regan hadn't been around for a while, but she imagined this look in her eyes wasn't there often. It vanished quickly and Stevie looked almost guilty for feeling it.

"Sure" She answered.

Stevie got the baby's pram ready, although she wasn't sure why since the baby seemed glued to Regan's arms. She felt a momentary stirring of jealousy, but pushed it aside. This little girl could do with all the love she could get, and could defiantly do with someone like Regan in her life. After the issues with Dave, that Regan would even be here, loving her baby, was incredibly special.

"She likes you" Stevie told her. The baby was so content in Regan's arms. Well the baby was content with anyone, she was such a good baby. Stevie was thankful for that, not sure she had the energy for a difficult child.

"How can you tell?" Regan asked

"I'm her mum, I know these things."

Those words triggered a memory, and her mind flashed back to a day not long after Jacob was born. Alex was there. Holding Jacob. Rose was there too, She sat beside Stevie with her arm around her.

"_So do you want to know his name?" Stevie asked Alex._

_Alex was so engrossed in the little baby it took a moment to respond._

"_Of course" He answered looking over to Stevie and her daughter. _

_Rose spoke up "Well, his first name is Jacob. Because when I was seven I decided I wanted a little brother called Jacob. And we think it suits him" _

_Stevie nodded in agreement and Alex looked down to the baby "Well hello there Jacob" He said, trying out the new name for his son. "You're right Rose, it suits him perfectly. Jacob Ryan."_

"_Don't you want to know his middle name?" Stevie asked._

"_And don't worry it's not as ugly as your middle name" Rose kidded._

_Alex laughed, and looked over to the two girls. "Its blood lucky you're a bloke Jacob, a man could go crazy with all these women in the family."_

_Rose laughed at him. Stevie looked around at her beautiful daughter, growing up so fast, her beautiful new born son, and Alex. The perfect father, Rose adored him, he adored Rose. How did she ever get so lucky to be part of this perfect family?_

"_It's Alexander" Stevie told him_

_A mix of surprise and joy radiated from his eyes "Alexander?" He repeated_

"_Yeah sound familiar? It's after you, you big idiot" Rose told him_

_Alex looked into Stevie's eyes at that moment. That look in his eyes was something she would treasure always. _

"_He likes his name" Stevie said _

"_Do you think?" Alex asked. "How do you know?"_

"_I'm his mum, I know these things" _

Regan smiled down at the baby girl.

"I never pictured you for the baby type" Stevie observed.

Regan shrugged her shoulders "Me neither"

The two walked alongside each other along the property, the baby snuggled in Regan's arms, and Stevie pushing the empty pram. For a moment horror struck her. There was something so wrong about an empty pram, an empty crib, empty arms. Her nightmares came flashing to her mind, the horror of having a beautiful baby snatched away from you. But they weren't just dreams. That was a nightmare that had become reality. Jacob had a pram, not unlike this one, she suddenly remembered. Useless details flashed before her mind. It was a blue pram, not green like this one. It had yellow stars printed on the top. Alex had bought it for him.

"_Fastest one in the shop" Alex said with a grin on his face_

"_Well we aren't in a race Alex" She teased him. "I hope it's safe"_

"_Of course its safe." He replied "I wouldn't do anything to endanger Jacob." _

Suddenly Stevie stopped still in the middle of one of the paddocks. "We're here." She announced

"Uh. Where?" Regan asked

"My tree" Stevie replied pointing to the large tree that stood before them.

Regan nodded, although not quite understanding.

"I found this tree, not long after we moved in here. I wanted to climb to the top, and one day I will, but I couldn't do it when I was pregnant. From the top you can see."

"See what?" Regan asked

"The answers" Stevie responded.

"Answers to what?" Regan asked again, slightly confused.

"The questions" Stevie teased her, smiling at her friend.

"What questions?" Regan asked smiling back.

"The 'why' questions." Stevie replied, her smile vanishing.

Stevie didn't turn around, but she could tell Regan was looking at her like she was insane. She didn't care. Regan should know by now she was a little weird. Regan put the sleeping infant into the pram and put her arm around her friend, not knowing what to say.

Stevie looked up at the tree "Its been here for so long, before any of us were here, it will be here long after we're gone" She found this strangely comforting.

Regan's attention was drawn to the words carved on the trunk. Names and messages. Some old, some recent.

"Don't you wonder who all these people are, what was their story?" Regan asked

Stevie nodded "It makes you feel so insignificant."

Regan's eyes were drawn to one message that was recently carved "Jacob. Mummy loves you"

"I don't even remember what he looks like." Stevie said, knowing that Regan would know who and what she was talking about. "I try so hard to remember. I remember things, but not his face. In my dreams I see him and I try so hard to look at him. When I wake up I can't see him anymore. I close my eyes; all I can see is her." She looked towards the pram with the sleeping baby. There was no resentment in this statement. "It's like he never existed"

These were things that had been on her mind even since her daughter had been born, but she would never mention them to Dave. She knew he didn't like to hear about Jacob. He was so overjoyed to be a father, and she tried not to spoil that for him by bringing up things from her past.

"He did exist. He does exist" Regan assured her. "I remember him very well, if you like I will tell you what I remember?"

Stevie nodded and the two of them sat under the tree, the baby sleeping soundly in her pram. Regan began "He had your eyes, that I remember for sure. No one could mistake that he was your son after looking into those eyes."

People said that to her a lot about Jacobs eyes. She didn't really know, she rarely looked into her own eyes to know that Jacobs's eyes would look like hers. But she did remember his eyes. They were beautiful. Her little girl was beautiful too, but defiantly had Dave's eyes.

"He had so much hair even when he was first born, remember? I've never seen a baby with such long hair."

Stevie smiled, his hair was beautiful. It must be so beautiful now. It was dark brown when he was born, and she wondered what color it was now. Her little girl had fair hair.

"He was difficult to get to sleep, and loud, I remember that for sure" Regan said with a smile "Remember all those times he would cry and cry and you couldn't work out what was wrong with him. All he wanted was for someone to pick him up. And there was never a lack of people to pick him up and cuddle him. When he was around all the conversation stopped and all eyes were focused on him."

Stevie remembered those days with Jacob. It had been only weeks, but the most perfect weeks of her life. He was so beautiful. And everyone adored him. There were fights about who would hold him. She never minded passing him around to her friends. She was so proud, he was so beautiful, and it made her so happy that they all adored him.

Regan stopped talking when she saw the tears forming in her friends eyes "I'm sorry, maybe we shouldn't talk like this"

"No please don't stop" Stevie told her wiping the tears from her eyes. "No one else will talk with me like this. About Jacob"

Regan nodded and went on "I remember the time I met him. Rose was holding him. She looked so comfortable with him. She asked me if I wanted to hold him, and I said no thanks. I guess I never really was a baby person. I didn't quite know what to do with him. But you insisted, and I sat and Rose put him in my arms. That was the first time in a long time I held a baby. His skin was so soft, his tiny little fingers were so perfect. Rose told me that his toes were even cuter than his fingers, so I looked down to his feet, and he was wearing those awful booties, do you remember? Jodi tried to knit them, and one was bigger than the other."

Stevie smiled, she remembered those booties. One was bigger than the other, and one had a big hole in it, but they were from Jodi and that made them special.

"He fell asleep in my arms. I remember wondering how he could just fall asleep like that, completely unaware of all the fuss that was being made about him. And that ugly hat that Liz gave you, do you remember? You put it on his head, and Rose laughed so hard. 'Its to keep his head warm' you told her slightly annoyed. Rose replied that he had more than enough hair to keep his head warm, and that her little brother wouldn't be caught dead in that ugly hat.."

Stevie smiled "I've still got that hat, and those booties."

"You know he looked so cute, even in that ghastly hat and with those ugly booties on his feet. He was such a beautiful baby" Regan told her.

Regan continued on, telling the little things she remembered about Jacob, and as the conversation went on they both remembered more and more. Stevie was surprised that Regan remembered so many things about her little boy. Above all she was grateful to have someone to share those memories with.

They returned to the house not realizing how much time they had spent away. Time seemed to stand still at the foot of that old tree. Stevie's mind was so far away, remembering all those special things about Jacob, that she didn't even notice Dave's car was back. She didn't stop to think she hadn't even left him a note to say where she was going, and that he would have returned to the house to find her and their daughter missing.


	14. Chapter 14

As the girls approached the house they saw Dave standing in the doorway. He stood still, his eyes transfixed on the sight before him. Stevie tried to read his eyes. He was scared, that she could see. She imagined he had come home, found them gone, she couldn't blame him for thinking the worst after her little stunt the day before. Before she could speak, before she could explain, and apologize, and reassure him everything was ok, she noticed something else. His eyes shifted, he wasn't looking at her, or their daughter. He was looking at Regan. Regan returned his gaze, and he looked away from her suddenly, ignoring her as if she was now invisible.

"Where have you been?" He asked Stevie as he snatched the baby out of Regan's arms and held her protectively "I was worried out of my mind."

"It's my fault, we went for a walk, I didn't realize the time" Regan interrupted, before Stevie had the chance to speak "So relax, everything is fine."

Dave looked over to Regan "Stevie just gave birth last week, you can't drag her all over the countryside like that"

"A bit of fresh air isn't going to hurt her." Regan responded 

"What are you even doing here? I'd hoped we'd seen the last of you" Dave answered.

Stevie noticed the look on Regan's face at being spoken to so coldly. She was trying so hard to maintain her composure, not to let it show that Dave had affected her. After that last comment from Dave, Regan gave up her attempt at polite conversation. Stevie wanted to say something, to tell Regan not to leave, to tell Dave not to be so nasty. But the conversation existed around her, as if she was an invisible observer. She had no part in that moment, or in whatever was going on with Regan and Dave.

She just watched helplessly as Regan announced she had better get going, and headed for her car. Stevie tried to make eye contact with her but Regan had already turned away. Stevie called her name but Regan ignored it. Stevie wanted to follow after her, to tell her to come back soon, to ask how long she was staying, to ask her to be the baby's Godmother. But Dave moved to stand in front of her and escorted her back into the house. Once inside Dave put the little girl down in her crib. He stood silently for a moment, as if he was deciding what to say next.

"Is that why you were so desperate to get me out of the house? To have your little tea party with Regan McLeod?!" Dave demanded angrily as he knocked a glass off the table and sent it flying across the kitchen.

Stevie looked to him stunned. This angry tone was something she had never heard from Dave, not aimed at her anyway. His loud voice and the sound of shattering glass woke the baby. Stevie stood too shocked to even reach and pick her daughter up. Dave saw the look in her eyes, and realized he had been harsh. Stevie realized perhaps for the first time the effect that Regan still had on him. Like her, he too had so many unresolved issues from the past that haunted him. He reached to pick up the baby, telling her its alright, and soon the infant stopped crying. He was so gentle with her, it was hard to believe this was the man who just had an angry outburst moments ago. All the things Stevie wanted to say, to apologize, to explain, they all fell to away from her mind. Dave turned his back to her, and sat holding his daughter. She left them there, feeling that she had no part in that picture, and headed up to her favorite room in the house, Jacobs room.

She knew Dave thought it was creepy that she kept a room for Jacob. He never said anything though. It was painted blue, which was lucky as she now knew that blue was his favorite color. She remembered Tess telling her that Alex said Jacob wanted to be an astronaut. She decided she would have to get some "space" things to put in there, maybe she would paint the planets on the ceiling for him. She sat on Jacobs bed, the bed he had never slept in, and clutched onto his teddy bear, a bear he had never held. She wondered if somewhere out there he was holding onto his teddy, if he was thinking about her and missing her like she was missing him. She wanted everything ready for him when he came home. Tess told her she had to move on, to stop doing all this stuff for Jacob. That if he came home, then there would be time to focus on these things, but for now she should be focusing on her daughter.

Stevie looked over to the cupboard in the room. It was where she had put all the presents she brought for Jacob, for Christmas and his birthday. They were all unopened. She wanted him to know that he was missed. That he hadn't been forgotten. When he came home she would give all the gifts to him, and make such a fuss of him. And alongside these presents were the few things Stevie had left from when Jacob was a baby, his blanket, and some baby toys, and those strange booties Jodi knitted, and the ugly hat from Liz Ryan. She almost forgot about those baby things of Jacobs, until Regan reminded her. Slowly she opened the door. The cupboard was empty. Looking into the empty cupboard it reminded her how empty her heart had felt with out Jacob. And now it was like he never existed. The few mementos she had kept were gone just like her baby was gone. A tear slid down her cheek, and then in a moment her grief gave way to anger. She slammed the door shut and hurried down the stairs.

"Dave!" She called sounding as angry as he had been earlier when he found out she had been with Regan.

"What is it?" He answered, sounding concerned. He put the baby down and walked over to Stevie, putting his arm on her shoulder. She flung his arm away.

"Where are Jacobs things?!" She demanded to know.

He sighed but didn't answer.

"Tell me what you did with them?!" She continued, sounding more and more desperate with every word.

"You don't need that stuff anymore. You have to stop living in the past like that. Your daughter needs you now, I need you."

"Tell me what you did"

"I got rid of them" He answered quietly.

The words hung in her head 'I_ got rid of them'_. How could he just get rid of them, the most precious of all her possessions. It was like getting rid of Jacob, like saying he wasn't welcome in their family.

"How could you do that?!" She screamed at him and lunged forward hitting at him with her hands.

"Hey. I'm not the one you should be angry at, I'm not the one who took Jacob from you" He told her as he pushed her aside. "Just calm down."

A million thoughts were racing through Dave's mind. Coming home and finding the house empty had scared him more than he thought he could ever be scared. To lose Stevie or his daughter would kill him. And then Regan. He hadn't expected to ever see her again.

"Calm down?!" She repeated. "How could you do that?" She cried. She was genuinely shocked that Dave would hurt her like this.

"It's just box of old junk Stevie. It won't bring him home. It just makes you unhappy to have that stuff around, to keep living in the past, and living all those painful memories."

"Who are you to say what makes me happy? That was all I had left of my son and you just 'got rid of it'" She was crying now.

"He's not coming home, you have to let go. Your daughter needs you now." He repeated

She wasn't listening. She stood still uncertain what to say.

Dave continued "For crying out loud it was a box of old junk. Yesterday you were going to leave and take my daughter away from me. Just like Alex did to you." He too was crying now. Stevie could tell he was upset for she could count on one hand the number of times he had said the word "Alex" out loud in the last four years. "And today when I came home and you were gone I thought you'd taken off with her for good. So don't complain to me about an old box full of useless stuff. That stuff isn't important. Isn't our baby more important? Isn't our family more important?"

Stevie wasn't certain how to answer that. Yes Dave and their daughter were important, two of the most important people in the world to her. But Dave was wrong, it wasn't just a box of old junk. It was her one last remaining connection to her little boy. She knew it must be hard for him at times, living with Jacobs memory, always feeling like he was competing for her attention with a little boy who wasn't even here. But why couldn't he understand that she can't just move on and forget all about him? Thankfully she didn't have to answer as Dave left the room.

Dave looked over to the baby. Trying to decide if he should take her with him, if he could trust that they would both be here when he got home. But in the end he decided he couldn't do that to Stevie. He hadn't realized how upset she would be over Jacobs things, and to take the baby away from her at that moment, he didn't have the heart to do it. Instead he reached to the hall table and took her car keys, along with his own.

"I'm going to the pub" he called out and slammed the door behind him.


	15. Chapter 15

Ryan hid behind his father as they left the apartment. To Ryan's surprise his father stopped at the apartment next door and knocked gently. Ryan had expected his mother to be further away. Had she really been living next door to him all this time? He looked up to his father with so many questions in his eyes, but his father would not look down at him.

A lady came to the door, smiled at them and welcomed them in.

"I'm so glad you guys could come." She said as she showed them into the apartment.

"Thank you for the invitation. This is my boy Ryan." Alex said as he turned to the little boy standing nervously behind him.

"Hello Ryan" The lady greeted him with a warm smile.

Ryan stood for a moment looking at her, unsure what to do or to say. 

"Ryan, say hello to Denise" He heard his father scold him. But he couldn't speak, he just looked up at her.

"That's ok. He's shy" Denise said. "I really like your T-Shirt Ryan" She told him.

Ryan smiled despite his nerves. She had known the exact right thing to say. He had been so worried that he had no special clothes, but she liked his clothes. That was one less thing to worry about.

The three of them entered into the living room. It was much like his own, Ryan thought, but for all the boxes.

"I've just moved in, and I haven't finished unpacking" Denise explained to Ryan as he gently fingered the boxes wondering what was indeed them. His mothers things. He'd never seen any of his mothers things.

So she hadn't been here all along, Ryan decided. She just moved here. Maybe she just moved in to be close to him.

"Sit down guys, I'll get us some drinks." Denise said.

Ryan looked to his father who sat on the couch, expecting some kind of clue what he should be doing. He wanted to do everything just right to please his mum, he wanted her to stay with him forever. He was scared but decided this was his moment "May I help you?" He spoke up quietly.

"Of course, I would love some help Ryan" Denise smiled as she took his hand and led him to the kitchen.

Alex smiled to himself. That was more like his boy. He didn't know what had come over Ryan lately. The scene from earlier flashed before his mind. _"I want to live with my mum."_ Alex pushed that aside and tried to focus on getting through the evening. Hopefully this would distract Ryan from thinking, and questioning, about his mum. 

Ryan helped Denise in the kitchen to prepare the drinks.

"Thanks Ryan, you've been a big help" She told him.

"Sometimes I help my dad make dinner" He told her proudly.

"Do you?" She asked him "That's very good."

He stood for a moment looking up to her. She was very pretty, and had a lovely smile. Suddenly he couldn't remember the faces in his dream, or the drawings he made of his mum. He suddenly had a real live person in front of him. She was very kind to him. But he had so many questions for his mum…where have you been? why did you leave me? are you staying forever? what's your favorite color?

For a long time he had imagined meeting his mother, and he would give her a big hug, and she would hold him so tight. He looked up at her, unable to take his eyes away.

She noticed the child staring at her "Is everything ok?" She asked him.

"Don't you want to hug me?" He asked timidly.

"Uh..sure.." She replied as she gave the boy a hug. He seemed so happy that she had made this gesture. He smiled up at her and she couldn't help but smile back. She gently ruffled his hair and led him back into the living room.

"Ryan had been a big help" Denise told his father, and Ryan beamed proudly as his father added "Yes he is a very good boy."

As they ate Ryan listened to the conversation happily between the two adults. Occasionally Denise would ask him a question or try to include him, he nervously answered and went back to eating his meal. He was so frightened to say the wrong thing, and he was happy just to listen to them, his parents, as they talked. His father spoke to him and about him every so often also, telling Denise that Ryan was a very good artist. Denise said she would like to see some of his drawings, and he smiled the biggest smile she had ever seen.

"So how are you settling in?" Ryan heard his father ask.

"Very well, I am lucky to have such good neighbours." She responded. 

"Well today was your lucky day" Alex agreed with a smile "Since it's the day you met me!" He joked.

Ryan looked confused as this comment from his father. What did he mean that Denise had only met him today? How could this be possible? Surely they must have known each other before that.

"You only met today?" Ryan asked.

"Yes" Denise answered. "I had some terrible problems with my plumbing, and your dad was very kind and very clever and he fixed it for me. That's why I wanted to thank him by cooking dinner for him." Denise explained.

"Oh" Ryan answered, as he nodded, yes his dad was kind and clever. Then that thought struck him. Could it be that Denise wasn't his mum after all? Why had he been so certain of it in the first place? Maybe she was just a nice lady that lived next door. He had to know for sure.

"Excuse me, Denise?" Ryan spoke up.

"Yes Ryan." She answered smiling at him in a way that made him wish she was his mother.

"Have you got a little boy?" He asked quietly.

"No, sorry Ryan" She shook her head "I haven't got a little boy, I don't have any children."

Alex saw the look of disappointment on Ryan's face "Never mind Ryan, there is a lot of kids to play with in the apartment." He reminded his son.

"Daddy I want to go home now." Ryan told him as he put down his fork on the table.

"Ryan, that's not very good manners, Denise has invited us over for dinner and we haven't finished eating her lovely meal." Alex told him, somewhat surprised at his son's rude behavior. Ryan had always been well behaved for company.

"Why don't you go and do some drawing Ryan, did you bring your pencils?" Denise asked him.

"You cant tell me what to do, you're not my mother." He said looking at Denise. He then looked to his father and said "I'm going home." And left the table heading for the front door before a stunned Alex could make a move to stop him.


	16. Chapter 16

Stevie sat in the empty house. Everyone left her in the end.

Her parents.  
Her sister.  
Rose.   
Alex.

Jacob.   
Dave. 

It was only her and the baby here now. The little girl started to cry, and wouldn't settle. In that moment, alone, unable to console her daughter, she figured she may as well join her. She picked up the little girl in her arms as tears slid uncontrollably down her cheeks.

The baby kept crying. It was just like Rose cried when she was so sick. Fear and panic took over. What if this baby got sick? What if she couldn't look after her? What if she never stopped crying? What if she wasn't good enough to be her mother, to keep her safe? She hadn't been good enough for Rose, or for Jacob. She had failed them both.

She remembered that Jacob had cried relentlessly that night. The last night she saw him. She tried everything she could think of. She fed him, changed him, sang to him, walked with him. She remembered being afraid, just like now, that something would happen to him. It seemed like he would never stop crying. That she would never know how to take care of him. But he settled. He went to sleep in her arms. And suddenly she felt a peace that everything would be ok. That the two of them would make it. She fell asleep too. And when she woke up her baby was gone. Suddenly she wasn't afraid that her daughter wouldn't stop crying, she was afraid of that silence, that empty silence. She wondered about all those times Jacob had cried that she wasn't there for him.

She gave everything to Jacob, to Alex. And they had left her behind. No matter how much she wanted to scream at Alex, or plead with him for a second chance, she couldn't. He wasn't there. That was the cruelest thing. They had both just disappeared as if she had never existed. She was left alone with no explanation, no consolation.

She wanted so desperately for Alex to be here, to look her in the eyes, to see what he had done to her. She had this idea in her head, that if he truly saw the damage he had done, then he wouldn't be able to do it to her anymore. Maybe she was dreaming. Maybe just like that time he looked right into her eyes on the day he married Fiona, maybe he would look so deeply but still not really see. Or maybe he just didn't care. She couldn't decide which was worse. And it didn't matter much since he wasn't here to look into her eyes anyhow.

She pushed thoughts of Alex and Jacob from her mind. Dave was right, she was only torturing herself, and this little girl needed her now. She looked to the innocent baby in her arms. She had never been so deeply afraid. She felt so powerless to protect her. What if she got sick? What if someone came here and took her away? What if she never saw her daughter again? She wiped her tears and pulled herself together. She bundled the still screaming baby up and headed for the car.

She put the baby in the car seat and remembered suddenly that Dave had taken her keys. She was still so angry at him for the way he had spoken to her earlier, for the way he had taken Jacobs things, and now he had taken her keys. What if the baby really was sick and they needed to get to the hospital? She filed that thought away to use against him later. Then she turned to the baby in the back seat. 

"What daddy doesn't know little one, is that mummy is very clever, and she doesn't need the keys to start the car."

She played with some of the wires and the engine started. She smiled, satisfied with herself. She was so angry at Dave she half hoped he would come home and find them gone. Although from the mood he was in when he left she figured he would be too drunk to make it home tonight. Still, despite her anger, if he pulled into the driveway at that moment she would have been so relieved. It frightened her, being alone with the baby. And somehow if Dave was there, it felt safe. He would know what to do if she got sick, and he wouldn't let anyone come in and snatch her away in the middle of the night. He would have kept them both safe, and for that she would have forgiven him almost anything. But he wasn't here. He had left her too. And she resented him for that more than the fact he had destroyed Jacob's things. She tried to tell herself that he'd only gone to the pub, that he would be back in the morning, that he would be sorry, and so would she, and everything would go back to normal. But tomorrow seemed like it would never come. And all that mattered was that he had left.

Stevie pulled into the Driveway at Drovers Run. The place that once had been her home. Now she felt like an intruder. She saw Regan's car parked outside the cottage. She relaxed realizing she wouldn't have to go into the main house and face Nick and Tess.

Stevie knocked on the door of the cottage. Regan looked surprised to see her, but invited her in.

"I can't stay. I just need you to look after the baby for a little while." She said as she handed the baby, still in her car seat, over to Regan. Normally Stevie was hesitant to let the little girl out of her sight. But tonight was different. All along she'd been afraid to let anyone so much as hold her baby, she was so frightened something would happen. But tonight she had realized something. Those people, Regan, Tess, Nick, Dave, they weren't any danger to her baby. Her daughter would have been safe with any of them. The biggest danger was herself. She was the one who had let Rose get sick, she was the one who had given Rose away to Michelle, she was the one had lied to Rose all those years and lost her all over again, she was the one who had fallen asleep and let Jacob get stolen. The only person who would hurt this baby would be her.

Regan ignored the crying infant for the moment, gently placing the baby carrier down on the ground. She followed after Stevie who had already started heading back to the car.

"What's up?" Regan asked gently.

"Please? Just for tonight? You're the only one I trust. And she likes you" Stevie spoke quickly.

"Oh no no no. I really don't do babies, Stevie. Why don't you come inside for a bit?"

"I packed her things" Stevie announced, handing a bag to Regan from the back of the car "Nappies, change of clothes, formula."

"Formula? Oh I don't do formula. I don't know the first thing about feeding a baby."

"Just warm it and stick the bottle in her mouth." Stevie explained it to her.

"Uh, I don't think so. "Regan said with certainty handing the bag back to Stevie "Why don't you just come inside for a bit?"

"Please Regan, just for tonight?" Stevie asked desperately. "Dave will come and get her tomorrow. Please? She wont stop crying, and I don't know what to do for her, I cant keep her safe, I just cant look after her." It hurt her to admit it. She hadn't wanted to say it out loud. She tried so hard to convince everyone that she could. Maybe they had been right all along, she just wasn't cut out for motherhood. Regan had never said that to her though, and maybe that's why it was easier to admit to Regan than to any of the others.

Not knowing how to respond, Regan reluctantly agreed "Alright I'll look after her, but just come inside with me, you have to show me how to do all this baby stuff."

Stevie hesitated, realizing that once she went inside it wouldn't be so easy to get out again, but she followed. Regan picked up the baby from her capsule and carried her into the house, Stevie followed behind them. The infant settled quickly as Regan rocked her back and forth.

"I thought you said you weren't a baby person" Stevie commented. It made her jealous that after all those hours of trying to get the baby to settle, Regan had just picked her up and made it look so easy.

"I'm not" Regan answered quickly.

"Could have fooled me. Told you she likes you." Stevie responded.

Regan smiled down at the little girl, and then looked to Stevie "You want to know something?"

"Probably not."

Regan ignored that comment and continued "I think she's just upset because her mum is upset. So talk to me. What's going on?"

Regan listened as Stevie told her about the call from Alex that week, and how Dave had thrown all of Jacobs things away. She listened as she explained all her fears about her little girl, that she couldn't be a good mother to her. Regan didn't say much. She wasn't certain what to say. There were things she knew. About Alex. About Jacob. And right in that moment she was tempted to reveal them, hoping it might ease her friends pain. But she restrained herself. It wasn't the time. It would only serve to make things worse. She would have to move carefully. And slowly.

Regan convinced Stevie to stay the night at the cottage. Shortly after Stevie had fallen asleep the phone rang.

Regan answered it already dreading who would be on the other end.

"Is my wife there?" Dave asked, emphasizing the word 'wife' as if he was deliberately trying to antagonize her. 

"Yes" Regan answered.

"Let me speak to her." He demanded.

"No" She replied coldly.

"Who do you think you are to come back here after all this time interfering in my life?" He asked.

"Look Dave, She's exhausted, and upset, and you're drunk. Go home, sleep it off and call back in the morning." She suggested before she hung up the phone.

Dave angrily slammed the phone down. Just what did Regan think she was playing at coming back here and causing trouble after all this time? And how could Stevie go over there telling her who knows what about their private life? This was supposed to be such a happy time for him and his wife and daughter. The absence of Jacob already hung over their heads, taking away from their joy, but Dave had been prepared to deal with that.

What he hadn't been prepared for was the sudden phone call from Alex. And it scared him more than he realized. More than anything he wanted to see the look in Stevie's eyes when her son came home. It was just that he was scared what would happen after that. Scared he would lose his family to Alex. It just didn't seem fair. Alex single handedly destroyed Stevie's family and completely crushed her spirit, and even today his memory still lingers casting dark shadows over life. But still Dave knew, that if Alex came back, he wouldn't have a chance. He would be the one to pay the price.

Dave regretted that he lost his cool earlier, and had taken his anger out on Stevie. He had been worried when he came home and found them gone, but not angry at her. Every bit of that anger was meant for Regan. And Regan just stood there, smiling as if nothing had ever happened three years ago. Smiling just like she had been smiling on their wedding day. Their almost wedding day. He hadn't seen her or heard from her since that day. And all of a sudden she is standing there in his house holding his daughter.

Dave looked down at the empty glass. Regan was right. He was drunk. He hated that he let her get to him this way, even after all that time. Or that Alex Ryan still held so much power over his life, over Stevie's. He hated that he was sitting here in the pub, instead of at home with his wife and baby daughter. He'd been wrong to take Jacob's things. He just wanted so much to take the pain of the past away from her. It was only now he realized he had gone about it the wrong way, and made things worse. Still, it hurt that Stevie had been so angry at him, all he did was throw away a box of old stuff. Alex is the one that took her little boy away.

Why had Alex decided to call now? Why call at all? What did it achieve? Why had Regan decided to show up now? What was she trying to do? Perhaps everyone had been right. All those people that warned both him and Stevie against getting into a relationship. He'd never listened to them. He always thought they could make it, that they could overcome all the obstacles that life placed in their path. And for the first time he started to think that maybe he had been wrong.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning Stevie and Regan headed up to the main house for breakfast. Tess and Nick would be gone for the day, picking up Charlotte to spend some time with them at Drovers. Stevie tried to imagine Charlotte. It had been so long since she'd seen her. Maybe she was 8 or 9 now. Her heart broke to think of the girl growing up with out her mother, and she instinctively pulled her own daughter close to her. She didn't have it so bad really. She had a lot to be grateful for. And at the moment she was incredibly grateful that she wouldn't have to spend the morning with Tess and Nick.

"Oh it's my little niece. Come to Aunty Kate." Kate squealed as she saw the baby.

"It will be you and Patrick having kids one day soon" Regan commented. "I bet you'll have at least 8."

Stevie hesitated as Kate reached forward to take the baby from her arms.

"It's ok" Kate assured her "She is safe with me, I have hundreds of cousins that I looked after."

Stevie nodded. She was willing to dump the baby on Regan last night anyway. No wonder people thought she was crazy at times.

The girls laughed and chatted, just like old times. Sharing theories about what Jodi and Rose were up to in the USA. When Kate asked Regan about her time in the USA, Stevie saw that evasive look on her face, as if she was hiding something. It was the same look she had seen earlier when Regan was talking about it. She made a mental note to ask Regan about that when they were alone. As usual, most of their time and attention was focused on the baby, who seemed to be enjoying being the center of everyone's attention.

Stevie had been enjoying the early morning peace at Drovers Run. She had forgotten how much she missed this place. That is until the peace was interrupted by the pone ringing. As Kate left for the other room to answer the phone, Stevie took the opportunity to question Regan about her time in the USA.

"I can tell you're hiding something Regan, so spill it" Stevie announced. Kate wouldn't be gone long in the other room so there was no time to be subtle.

Regan's face fell as Stevie confronted her about this issue. "I don't know what you're talking about. And it doesn't matter right now." Regan answered

"Why won't you tell me? Is it something to do with my child, something you don't want me to know?" Stevie demanded

"What?" Regan asked shocked. How could Stevie have guessed what Regan had stumbled across in the USA, or that it had anything to do with Jacob.

Stevie saw the look of shock and confusion on Regan's face "Is it something to do with Rose, something you don't want to tell me?" Stevie asked "Is Rose in some kind of trouble?"

Regan relaxed realizing that Stevie knew nothing "Oh no no no, Rose is fine, her and Jodi are having the time of their life." Regan assured her.

Stevie was glad to hear her daughter was ok, but wasn't about to let the subject drop.

Kate was quiet as she entered the room again.

"What is it Kate?" Regan asked her calmly.

"Tess just called, there's been an accident." She stated as if that was enough of an explanation.

Both Stevie and Regan looked to Kate with anxious eyes. "What kind of accident Kate?" Stevie asked sternly. The harsh tone of Stevie's voice brought back memories of the days Stevie had been the overseer on Drovers Run, and this caused Kate to answer immediately.

"Nick and Tess went to pick up Charlotte for the weekend. They were in Gungellan, crossing the road, and a car just came out of nowhere …"

"Oh my God!" Regan exclaimed "Are they alright?"

"Yes yes" Kate added quickly. "It was Charlotte who was in the path of the oncoming car, but Dave pushed her out of the way. He saved her life. But the car hit him."

Stevie didn't stop for any more details but picked up her daughter and headed for the car. Dave had to be alright. He just had to. She recalled her last words to him, they had been fighting. It couldn't end like this. And their daughter needed her daddy. He had to be alright. On the way to the hospital Stevie heard little of the conversation from Regan or Kate. Her thoughts were only of Dave. She begged God not to take another person from her life, and silently promised to be a better wife if she was given another chance.

They raced into the hospital to see Nick and Tess in the waiting room.

"Where's Charlotte and Dave? Are they alright?" Kate asked before anyone could get a word in.

"Dave is with the Dr now, but they said he will be fine. They will be out soon" Tess assured them "And Peter collected Charlotte and took her home. He was so angry that she was almost hurt in an accident." Tess said unable to hide the disappointment in her voice.

Stevie wasn't listening as Tess was scolding herself for not paying more attention, and the others reassured her it was just an accident and not her fault. Regan busied herself looking after the baby who seemed only to settle in Regan's arms. Kate had gone outside to wait for Patrick to arrive. It seemed like an eternity before the Dr emerged from the consulting room. Much to Stevie's relief Dave walked out behind him, the only evidence of the accident being a large gash on the left side of his head. 

Stevie ran towards him, and threw herself into his arms, being as gentle as she could. She pulled back and looked up into his eyes "Are you alright?" she asked

"Take more than that to bring me down" He assured her, as he brushed the hair from her eyes and kissed her gently.

As their lips parted he looked down into her eyes and gently brushed away the tears.

"Don't cry, everything's ok" He told her

"You know that I love you, don't you?" She asked him.

"I love you too." He replied as he pulled her close and held her tight.

"I'm sorry, about our stupid fight, I overreacted…" She began

"I'm sorry too." He said sincerely. "Jacob's things, I didn't get rid of them. I just put them away, for when he comes home. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just that for now, please, our daughter needs you, and I need you." He said.

"Alright" She nodded, already wondering where he had hidden Jacob's things. Her heart skipped a beat as she imagined finding them and putting them back in his room for when he came home.

"I want this to work" He told Stevie "I want us to be a family. Today I was so scared that my life was over. And it made me realize what's important. You, and our daughter. I want us to be together. Nothing else matters."

"I want that too." She told him. "I would die if anything happened to you Dave."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her, this time not gently but passionately and intensely, completely oblivious to the eyes that were watching them. They were in their own little world.

Regan tried to turn her eyes away, but couldn't.

"Are you ok?" She heard Tess ask her.

"Yeah" She finally replied "Its just……..I didn't realize they were so close that's all."

"Well, where do you think that baby came from?" Tess asked her

Regan looked down to the baby in her arms and it hit her for the first time that it was Dave's daughter. Dave's daughter with another woman. When she was supposed to be the mother of his children. She was supposed to be the one he held in his arms so tightly, the one he kissed as if there was no one else in the room. She was supposed to be the one who ran to him when he was injured. She had never been foolish enough to believe she was over Dave, but she did believe she could put that aside and be happy for Stevie. But hearing about them together from the other side of the world was one thing. Seeing them all over each other with her very own eyes was something else.

"He used to kiss me like that." Regan said softly, as Tess put her arm around her.

Stevie broke from Dave's embrace as she heard the insistent cries of their daughter. "She's probably starving poor little thing." Stevie said "and well in need of changing"

"You go, attend to her, I will wait for the Dr to finish the paperwork so I can get out of here and we can go home." Dave said, kissing her one last time as she turned and headed towards her daughter. Dave smiled as he saw his baby girl, she always brought a smile to his face, even when she was screaming. Dave noticed for the first time the others standing in the room. For the first time noticed who was holding his little girl. The image of Regan holding his daughter disturbed him somehow. But he waited until Stevie was out of the room before approaching Regan.

Regan smiled nervously at him. "Are you alright?" She asked.

"Yes" He answered "I've got a pretty thick head." He joked.

Tess hugged him "Thank you Dave, if you hadn't been there…"

"Don't think about it Tess, and don't thank me. Anyone would have done the same." Dave told her, his eyes still fixated on Regan.

Tess noticed that Dave and Regan might like a moment alone and she dragged Nick outside, insisting they had urgent business to attend to at home.

Dave wasted no time, wanting to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

"In the future, stay away from my wife." Dave said coldly. Of all the people Stevie had to go to after their argument, why did it have to be Regan?

Regan was hurt by the way he spoke to her, but did her best to hide it, replying confidently "Stevie is my friend, she needs me. And I wont abandon her."

Dave laughed "You haven't been around for years. She didn't miss you. She doesn't need you. She has plenty of other friends. And I do not ever want to come home and find you in my house again. Do you understand?"

With that he turned and headed after his wife and daughter, leaving Regan standing bewildered behind him.

Back at home Stevie and Dave sat together on the couch, Dave cradling the baby in his arms.

Stevie smiled at him as he talked to his baby daughter.

"You love her so much" Stevie observed.

"Yes I do." He answered "I love her because she's yours, because she's ours. Please don't ever doubt that I love you." He told her, kissing the top of her head. 

"I love you too. And our daughter. I'm sorry I haven't been the worlds greatest wife or mother lately. But I am trying" She said softly.

"I know it hasn't been easy Stevie" He told her "And we happen to think you're the greatest, don't we little one?" He asked his daughter. "We'll be alright, the three of us, you'll see, it will all work out."

She nodded, resting her head against his shoulders. She had to believe it would all work out. Too many things in her life had been screwed up. This time she would get it right.

"You're mad that I went to Drovers aren't you?" She asked him. She thought it was best not to bring the conversation up, but in the end she couldn't let it go. She wanted everything to be resolved.

"I'm not mad that you left. I was the one who left first, and I shouldn't have." He assured her "But, no, I don't like that you went there telling all our problems to those people for them to laugh at us"

"Those people?" She asked "Those people are our friends"

"Not Nick, he isn't our friend" Dave said bitterly.

"Nick is alright." Stevie tried to assure Dave. Both Tess and Nick irritated her at times too, but when it really counted she believed they were there for her.

"I don't trust anyone with the last name Ryan" Dave stated simply.

Stevie ignored the implication of Alex in that statement, it wasn't the time to get into that discussion again.

"You don't trust Tess?" Stevie asked, turning the conversation back in a different direction.

"Tess is different." He said

"Because she is your ex lover?" Stevie asked, a hint of jealousy in her voice "Is that why you don't get on with Nick?"

"No, because she is my friend. And I don't get on with Nick because he is the most arrogant man I have ever met." Dave answered, and Stevie could not ignore the anger in his voice. "Why are we talking about this anyway?"

Stevie shrugged. "You're still upset about the other day, that I didn't leave a note when Regan and I went for a walk."

"I wasn't angry, but yes I was upset, I was worried sick about you. Don't you know what you mean to me?."

"Don't deny that you were angry Dave. You threw a glass across the room, and then stormed out and went to the pub." She reminded him.

He looked down to her, and remembered the look in her eyes that night. "I am so sorry, my behaviour was unacceptable. That will never happen again. Never. It wasn't you I was angry with."

"You were angry that I was with Regan." Stevie stated.

Dave paused for a moment, not wanting to get into another argument, but at the same time wanting to be open and honest. "Well, imagine if you came home and found me drinking beer with Alex, and him holding our daughter" Dave offered "How would that make you feel?"

"That would be completely different, and you know it. What are you trying to say? That you don't want me to see Regan anymore?" Stevie asked. She was unnerved by the mention of Alex once again, and trying to steer the conversation as far away from Alex as possible. Just the image of him and Dave sitting in her house, drinking beer together, Alex holding her daughter, it made her sick to her stomach.

Dave didn't answer the question about Regan. He had already warned Regan to stay away. No use causing an argument with Stevie by telling her the same thing. Regan wouldn't be back.

"What is it with you and Regan?" Stevie asked, breaking the awkward silence. She wasn't trying to start and argument either, or make him uncomfortable. But she figured as his wife, she had a right to know. 

"You know the story" Dave answered "Everyone does. She left me at the alter, made a fool of me in front of everyone."

"But there must be more to it?" Stevie asked gently "You can tell me."

"Yes I may just tell you one day, one day when you tell me the whole story about Alex and Jacob."

She flinched at the mention of Alex and Jacob, and he instantly regretted that he used them to put an end to the questions about Regan. But it served the purpose well, and for now both of those topics of conversation were closed.


	18. Chapter 18

Regan collected her mail from the post office in Fisher. She could scarcely wait to be back in the privacy of her car before opening the envelope. Her hands were shaking slightly as they did every time she received a parcel like this. There had been so many false alarms. So many times she thought she had come close. Close to finding Alex and Jacob.

It had been nearly two years ago she had seen Alex in a crowded airport in Los Angeles. She was certain it was him. Holding a toddler in his arms. A beautiful boy with brown curly hair. He hadn't seen her. She followed him quickly as they turned a corner and then he disappeared. She thought about calling the police at the time, but he could have been anywhere by the time they arrived. He could have got on a plane to any place in the world. It might not have even been him. But seeing him there in LA, she just couldn't shake the feeling that he was right there under her nose. Ever since that day Regan had been looking for him, trying everything she knew how to find Jacob and bring him home. It always resulted in dead ends, in people who looked slightly like Alex.

She began to wonder if she had ever really seen Alex at all. If she was just becoming obsessed. If she should let the matter rest. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. She realised what it must be like for Stevie, hiring private investigators to search only to have it come to nothing. Getting her hopes up and then having them shattered. And the longer it went on, realising that hope was dying every day.

It was for Stevie she did this. She had seen her best friends heart break when she lost her little boy. And Regan longed to bring him home to his mother, and to see Alex pay for the misery he caused. She never told Stevie about her Alex sighting, not wanting to get her hopes up.

It wasn't that Regan had deliberately set out to find Alex and Jacob. But ever since that day they had crossed her path, she couldn't let it go. She had only been in Los Angeles for two weeks on a short trip. But after seeing Alex like that she extended her trip to search. In fact she hadn't been back to Australia since. She told herself it must be for a reason that she saw him. She must be destined somehow to reunite that boy with his mother. How could she go back to Australia when any day now she might find Jacob and bring him home to Stevie? She couldn't walk away. Not until Jacob was safe.

Regan looked down to the envelope. She thought back to the phone call last night from Denise. Denise told about the man and the little boy she had dinner with. About the trace of Australian accent in the mans voice, and Regan tried to stay calm. Could she really have found Alex and Jacob after all this time?

"_What's his name?" Regan asked her._

"_Marcus Newman." Denise replied "He certainly fit's the description."_

"_And the boy?"_

"_Gorgeous little boy, a bit odd though, he calls him Ryan."_

_Regan had nearly dropped the phone when she heard the little boys name. Ryan. It just had to be them. _

"_Send me pictures. But don't fax them here to Drovers, I don't want anyone else to see them. Post it express. And don't let him get away."_

The pictures took nearly 24 hours to arrive. And in that time Regan began to think about what she might do if this turned out to be Alex and Jacob. Would she call the police? That would be so traumatic for Jacob. Would she try and talk to Alex? That would just give him time to run again. Would she tell Stevie right away? Or Nick and Tess? Or Dave.

Her thoughts stopped when she remembered Dave. They always did. She wondered what would become of Stevie and Alex. What would happen with Stevie and Dave? Dave was so in love with his new family, would this tear that apart for him? And then there was that guilty thought that hung in her head for the last year…isn't that exactly what she wanted? To see them drift apart so Dave could belong to her again? Its not that she wanted either Stevie or Dave to be unhappy, she loved them both. But when she looked at them together it was all so wrong. And it hurt.

She shook her head, this wasn't about Dave. Dave and Stevie weren't even together when Regan began her search for Alex and Jacob. Dave was nothing to do with this. It was about Stevie and her baby, and making Alex pay.

Regan gently lifted the photos out of the envelope and caught her breath as she found Alex Ryan looking back at her. It was him. It really was him. She flipped through the photos until she came to one of the little boy. Of Jacob. He was so beautiful, with Stevie's eyes. She knew in an instant this boy was the same baby she held n her arms four years ago. The boy she had seen in the airport two years ago. She stroked the photo gently "Oh your Mum is going to be so happy to see you Jacob." She whispered to him.

She immediately picked up her phone to contact Denise.

"It's him." Regan announced before Denise had even said hello.

"I knew it!" Denise replied. "What do you want me to do?"

Regan had never thought much beyond this moment. What was she going to do now? She thought of all the people's lives that were going to change. Stevie, Dave, Alex, and most of all Jacob.

"Let me call you back." Regan told her "And don't let him out of your sight."

"Ok. No problem. He's certainly nice to look at." Denise told her and hung up.

Of all the times to find them, why did it have to be when she was on the other side of the world? The first time since the search began two years ago that she had left the states. Should she go back to the USA? But she couldn't leave Stevie alone now. Should she take Stevie? What about Dave? The baby? Should she just call the police? That would be traumatic for the child. Should she show the photo to Stevie? She longed to show her the picture of her little boy. But what if Alex gets away again? That would kill her. Should she tell Dave, or Nick or Tess? Regan closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Then she reached for the phone and dialled another number.

The voice on the other end of the phone mumbled something and Regan looked at her watch realising it was 3am in California. She felt bad, but couldn't hang up now, she couldn't wait a minute longer to get things moving. "Hello?" Regan asked impatiently.

"Hey" The voice replied "Jodi McLeod speaking."


	19. Chapter 19

Stevie put the phone down after talking with Rose. Dave noticed the expression on her face.

"What's wrong?" He asked noticing the tears well up in her eyes. She didn't answer and he pulled her into his arms as she cried softly.

"Come, sit, talk to me." He said gently leading her to the couch.

"Aren't you running late for work?" She asked.

"The sheep wont mind." He joked as he stroked her hair gently.

"Don't mind me, I'm just being silly." She told him as she tried to smile.

"Who was on the phone?" He asked.

"Rose."

"Is she ok?" He sounded slightly alarmed

"Yeah, I just miss her I guess." Stevie answered sadly.

Dave kissed the top of her head "She'll be back tomorrow." He reminded her.

He was so gentle, so considerate. She counted herself lucky to be his wife.

"No she won't." Stevie answered. "She and Jodi are going to stay on for a while." Stevie couldn't hide the disappointment in her voice.

Dave didn't say anything, just held her and listened. "I mean I'm glad for them, they sound like they are having a great time." Stevie continued.

"I'm sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to Rose coming home. But she wont be gone forever."

"I just wanted her to be here, to meet her sister…….." Stevie's voice trailed off. She already lost one of her children, and now to think of Rose so far away made her heart ache. The baby was the only one left now. And it was so hard not to resent that innocent little girl, just for being here when Rose and Jacob were gone. How could she ever explain to Dave how empty she felt. She knew she had been so blessed with her husband, her child.

"I'll talk to Rose, explain how much we want her to be here and see her sister." Dave offered reaching for the phone.

"No" Stevie stopped him. "Oh Dave that's so sweet, but I don't want to ruin her fun. She's old enough to decide when she wants to come home." There was a time that Stevie thought Rose would never speak to her again, and she hadn't blamed Rose for that. It seemed so unfair to ask Rose to give up her trip just because Stevie missed her and wanted her home, wanted her family together. Stevie felt like she had no right to ask Rose to give up anything for her.

Dave nodded and put the phone down. Stevie kissed him. "You are so good to me Dave."

"You're good to me too" He told her, but she knew it wasn't true at times. She was definitely high maintenance. "I can take the day off today." He offered.

"Why? Are you feeling ok? Is it your head?" She asked, touching the scar from the car accident earlier that week. He gently took her hands .

"I'm fine, I just want to be with you."

"Its ok. I'll be fine, really." She assured him.

He hesitated for a moment and then kissed the top of her head "Alright. Why don't you get some sleep while the baby is sleeping."

She nodded .

"And when I come home we'll take some pictures of her and email them to Rose." Dave suggested.

Stevie smiled at that thought. Dave really was the sweetest man. She watched him kiss the baby as she lay sleeping in her crib as he headed out the door.

Then she sat watching her baby girl sleeping so soundly.

"I wish your big sister was here. She'd love you to bits. And Mummy misses her a lot." Stevie whispered to her youngest daughter. She picked the baby up careful not to wake her and held her close. "Mummy misses your brother a lot too. But it doesn't mean I don't love you little one." She tried so hard to be happy. To tell herself that it was enough just to have Dave and her baby. But her heart longed for Rose and Jacob to come home also. She sat holding her precious daughter, and trying so hard to do what everyone told her to do and put the past away. To look to the future. She didn't want her baby growing up feeling like she was living in the shadow of Jacob, or even of Rose. She wanted her youngest daughter to know she was loved.

Stevie tried to relax. Dave was right, it would only be a few more weeks and Rose would be home. But something in Rose's voice had frightened Stevie. That phone call had reminded her so much of the call she got from Regan two years ago. Regan had only gone for a short trip. Then one day she called, and said she was staying on a bit longer. Stevie knew there was something more to it, just like she knew there was something going on with Rose. And Regan didn't come home, not for two years. She hardly wrote. Just disappeared. And Stevie tried not to be angry about that, tried to tell herself that Regan had her own life to live and if she wanted to live in the USA it was fine. But it still hurt that Regan had left like that with no explanation, and not even a proper goodbye. And Stevie began to wonder if Rose, just like Jacob, would never come home.

As Dave pulled away from the house he wondered if he should turn back. He hated to leave Stevie alone when she was so sad. But he didn't want her to think he didn't trust her. And it was only a short job vaccinating some sheep. He would only be gone a couple of hours. He decided he would stop and call Rose on the way home. He understood that Stevie didn't want to spoil her holiday. But at the same time, Rose must have known how much her mother missed her and needed her to be here. Dave had talked to Rose the night the baby was born and she was so disappointed that she had missed it. She was going to jump on a plane that night and come home. But Stevie convinced her to finish the last of her rodeo tour, it was only a little longer, and Rose had agreed, but said she could hardly wait to come home and meet her new sister. What had happened between now and then for Rose to change her mind like that? Dave was determined to get to the bottom of it, and determined to put a smile on Stevie's face even if he had to fly to America himself and drag Rose home.


	20. Chapter 20

Denise Bell hung up the phone after speaking with Regan McLeod. She had sent the pictures of Marcus and Ryan to Regan in Australia. Denise had long since given up on finding this man "Alex Ryan." She began to wonder if Regan had dreamed the entire event. If the man ever even existed. But she carried on with the job Regan was paying her to do, to find Alex Ryan. When Denise met Marcus Newman something clicked. He fit the description so completely. Enough to prompt her to move in to his apartment building to keep and eye on him. Enough to make her contact Regan even though she was out of the country at the time.

She hadn't really wanted Marcus to be him. Hadn't really wanted those things Regan said about Alex Ryan to be true. The man she lived next door to seemed like a nice guy. Like a devoted father. Like someone she wouldn't mind spending the rest of her life with. How well did she really know Regan anyway to believe her story without out finding out the facts from the other side?

Denise knocked lightly on the door to Marcus/Alex apartment. She told herself she was doing what Regan wanted. Keeping a close eye on him. But it was something more than that. She was attracted to him. She would have kept visiting him even if Regan asked her not to. And she had to know the truth behind the story once and for all.

Marcus opened the door and smiled as he saw Denise standing there.

"Hi." She said shyly "I was wondering if you and Ryan had any plans for the day?"

"Well, no. We haven't any plans" He answered, clearly caught out by surprise.

"Great" Denise declared with a huge grin, "Because I was planning on going to the beach and wondered if you two would like to join me?"

Denise could see Alex hesitate. _Marcus!_ She reminded herself. _Not Alex. You can't start thinking of him as Alex. What if you let something slip? He can't have any idea what you're up to. _

It was Ryan who spoke up from behind his father "Can we Daddy? Please?"

Alex was hesitant, but seeing the look in Ryan's eyes he agreed. It had been days since he'd seen the boy smile. And Denise seemed to be good with him. It wouldn't do him any harm to have a female role model in his life.

Marcus wasn't much for conversation, Denise discovered, but they ate together as they watched Ryan run along the shore, and collect shells, and build sand castles.

As always when he watched Ryan play like this, his thoughts drifted to Stevie. It was supposed to be the two of them sitting on the beach watching their son play. Watching their 10 kids playing. But Stevie seemed to have moved on perfectly happily with Dave and started her own family. That thought still cut Alex deeply.

"Daddy come and build my castle with me." Ryan called, forcing Alex to pay attention to him and forget thoughts of Stevie.

"Ok, In a minute Ryan." Alex called to him, trying to pull himself together.

Ryan was clearly disappointed and Denise decided now was her opportunity to talk to the child.

"Can I help Ryan?" She asked.

"Sure" He answered with a smile. "You start digging over there."

Denise tried to smile as she found herself knee deep in sand playing with a four year old. It was not her idea of a perfect Saturday afternoon. But despite that, she found herself having fun and enjoying the child's company. They were close enough to Marcus that they stoped occasionally and smiled and waved as Ryan yelled out "Look at this Daddy!" and he and yelled back "Great job Ryan". But when they lowered their voices Marcus was too far away to hear them. Denise felt a bit bad interrogating a four your old child but it seemed and easy and safe way to get answers.

"Your dad is pretty nice isn't he?" Denise asked, not sure the best way to start the conversation. She hadn't carried out a serious conversation with a four year old child since she was four herself.

"Yep he's the best." Ryan told her. He seemed attached to his father. His father couldn't be such a bad person if Ryan was so besotted with him.

"What about your mum? Is your mum nice?"

"Yep. She's the best too." The child told her.

Well there you go. Regan had told her this child was snatched from his mothers arms when he was only weeks old. Maybe Regan didn't know what she was talking about.

"Where is your mum Ryan?"

Ryan looked down to his hands

"I dunno. I never seen her. But she'll come here one day. I know because I had a dream about it. Maybe she will come today? Do you think so?"

Denise nodded unsure what to say. Ryan looked as if he might cry and she regretted the conversation immediately.

"But Mummy loves me. My Daddy told me. She loves me even when she isn't here." Ryan added.

"Yes I'm sure she loves you Ryan." Denise felt the need to assure the child of that much.

"And I know she's the best. Because she's my mum."

"Yes I think you must be right about that." Denise agreed. "What's your mums name, Ryan?" She asked her final question.

"Mummy, of course." He told her and she couldn't help but smile.

Having gained no real information from Ryan, Denise decided to leave him to play and to return to Marcus. The child didn't even know his mothers name. Or have any idea where she was. Or why she wasn't with him. She might be dead for all that child knew. He seemed sad that she wasn't here. But he also seemed so sure that one day his mother would come. She hoped for his sake his dream would come true. But for her own sake she wasn't sure what to hope for.

She tried to enjoy the rest of the afternoon with Marcus, but her head was clouded with too many thoughts. Could he really be the cold hearted kidnapper that would snatch a child from its mother?

Alex sat watching them play, thinking how beautiful Denise looked in the sunshine. To be fair, he was partly using her to get Stevie out of his head. He had never looked twice at another woman in the whole time he was gone. He had always been faithful to Stevie. But hearing how she had moved on with Dave, and even given birth to Dave's child, he suddenly felt no compulsion to continue denying his needs. What was wrong with spending time with a beautiful woman? Someone who made Ryan happy?

He turned to Denise as they sat watching the sun set "Would you like to join us for Dinner?" He asked.

"I'd love to." She told him truthfully.

As he leaned forward to kiss her all thought of Stevie and Dave vanished. For Denise all thoughts about Regan and Kidnappings and Ryan's mother vanished. Denise thought only of the way her heart stopped beating when Marcus kissed her. The feel of his soft lips upon her own. His hands gently stroking her hair. The feel of his breath as he whispered in her ear how beautiful she was. Her own hands caressing his muscular chest. Kissing Marcus on the beach at sunset would have perhaps been one of the most magical moments in her life. That is until Ryan noticed the event. Neither of them heard him approach as they were too caught up in the moment. It wasn't until he had tipped his bucket full of sand on top of them that the pair sprang apart.

"Ryan." Marcus said, more out of surprise than anger. If Ryan had been smiling, Alex might have thought it was a joke, he might have laughed. But the look on Ryan's face told him it was not a laughing matter "Ryan that wasn't nice." Alex finished calmly.

"It's not nice of you to kiss her. She's not my mum." Ryan started to run off for the car with his father close behind him.

Denise thought to herself that Ryan was wrong, the kiss was indeed nice. Very nice. But perhaps it wasn't wise of them to act that way in front of Ryan. Shaking herself free of sand, she collected the picnic blanket and followed the boys to the car, her lips still tingling from her encounter with Marcus.


	21. Chapter 21

-113 

Jodi's head was spinning like that time she had fallen off her horse during the barrel race. She sat up in bed and grabbed onto the bed post to steady herself. She gently placed the receiver back in the cradle. Had she dreamt that phone call from her cousin?

_"I need you to listen carefully."_ Regan had said

_"I'm listening." _Jodi replied trying not to sound as she was talking in her sleep.

And Jodi strained her ears to pay as much attention as she was capable at that time of morning, especially after the big night the night before. It was their last night in the USA and Jodi and Rose had certainly made the most of it.

_"I need you and Rose to do exactly as I tell you."_

_"Ok. Then you're going to actually have to tell me what you need for us to do."_ Jodi was losing patience fast

This was a strange conversation. Even for Regan. Jodi had seen Regan only once in the last two years. That was only weeks ago when Jodi and Rose had dropped in on her in her new home in Los Angeles. Jodi had always thought she and Regan were close, thought Regan was happy on Drovers Run, thought Regan was happy with Dave. Until she left him stranded at the alter. No one was more surprised than Jodi to hear that news. When Regan hadn't shown up for the wedding Jodi assumed the worst, perhaps there had been an accident. What exactly happened between Regan and Dave remained a mystery to this day. Regan declared she had just 'changed her mind'. Which no one believed. Stevie tried to get the true story from her, and Alex tried to get it from Dave. No one seemed able to reach them, to help them get past it. It must have been big though, as neither one of them was ever the same after that. 

_"You have to promise not to say a word. To anyone."_

_"What's this about Regan?"_ Jodi's curiosity had turned to concern.

Things went down hill for Regan after the wedding. She kept to herself a lot. Dave stopped coming round. Regan left not long after for a supposed short holiday to the USA that she never came back from. When Jodi and Rose visited she seemed almost like the good old Regan that Jodi remembered. And now they found out Regan had gone back to Australia. Jodi was glad Regan found her way home, but disappointed she couldn't be there. Couldn't Regan have waited and travelled back with her and Rose? Why would Regan go home now? It's not like she was ever that close to Tess and Nick. And Jodi guessed Regan wouldn't be in a hurry to visit Stevie, Dave and their baby. Jodi began to wonder if she had ever known her cousin at all. Even aside from all the obstacles, the fact that Regan at one time tried to bulldoze Drovers Run, and the two years of virtually no contact, Jodi still felt that she and Regan had been close. Regan was always someone she could relate to more so than she ever could to Claire or Tess. Regan was someone who saw her as a grown woman, not just a spoiled brat which was an image she still fought til this day.

_"Jodi promise, not a word."_

_"Alright I promise, you know you can trust me Regan." _

Jodi looked over to Rose sleeping in the bed across the room. She had enjoyed this rodeo trip with Rose. It was nice for a change for Jodi to be the responsible one. Rose was someone Jodi had come to think of as a little sister, which was nice as Jodi had always been the baby of the family. Jodi recalled her first impression of Rose as a spoiled little brat. But Rose had grown up a lot, and in fact even at her worst, Rose reminded Jodi of someone- herself at that age.

Jodi laughed to herself as she remembered the young girl she had been, her dreams of beauty therapy and living in the city. She had changed a lot. They all had. Jodi never thought she'd be the one to stay on Drovers. Never thought Claire would die. Never thought Tess would spend years in Argentina.   
Jodi never thought she'd see Rose as a loving devoted daughter, Never thought she'd see Stevie and Dave together with a baby, Never thought Alex would have run away with that little baby boy.

As far as Jodi knew, even to this day, she and Regan were the only two people who knew the full story behind Alex disappearance. Jodi wondered if even Dave knew exactly what had happened. And she knew for a fact that Rose was clueless.

"_Regan? Is something wrong?" _Jodi asked after a moment of awkward silence.

_"No not anymore. Not thanks to you. You're the perfect person in the perfect place at the perfect time" _

Perfect place? Travelling across the USA with the rodeo could hardly be described as the perfect place. Tess had been less than impressed about the idea. 

"_But it's dangerous, ask Nick, you could get seriously hurt. What on earth do you want to ride in a rodeo for? What's the point of it? You can ride horses here? and haven't you got enough to keep you busy at Drovers Run?" _Tess had asked 

Stevie was against it too, for different reasons. Mostly because she would miss Rose.

_"Can't you find a rodeo in Australia?" _Stevie asked.

_"But Jodi and I have been selected out of hundreds of competitors. It's a great honour. And its all paid for you don't have to pay a cent."_

_"You're too young Rose."_ Stevie insisted.

_"But you competed when you were even younger than me"_

Stevie had no argument for that. And Jodi saw a flicker in her eyes, almost pride to see her daughter follow in her footsteps. But that flicker vanished and in its place was fear. Fear of losing Rose all over again. Stevie opened her mouth at that point to say something. But she stopped. Jodi wondered if she was going to tell Rose that she was scared of losing her again, scared of losing her like she lost Jacob, scared of something happening to her. There was all kinds of emotional blackmail Stevie could have used at that point. But she stopped herself. Maybe she didn't want to destroy Rose's dreams with her own fears and insecurities. Maybe she knew she'd lose the fight. Maybe she was tired of fighting. She shut her mouth that day and plans for the trip began. And here they were in the USA 

"_I've found Alex. And Jacob…."_ Regan whispered.

"_What?"_ Jodi asked.

Rose did feel bad leaving Stevie, Jodi could tell. Especially when she found out about the baby. Rose was going to cancel the trip at that point, deciding her mum would need her. Jodi tended to agree. But Jodi was glad when Stevie told Rose to go and follow her dreams. Jodi didn't really want to be around to see Stevie fall apart. She was one of the strongest people Jodi knew. Stevie had never really been the same after Jacob. She pulled herself together like only Stevie can. Maybe that's what comes from suffering so much abandonment and betrayal in your life, you just get used to it and go on. But Stevie was never the same. Jodi could only imagine the things that had been running through her mind as another baby grew inside her. It was good the baby had been a girl. Another little boy would have been heartbreaking. Rose wanted to go home when she found out her little sister had been born early, but Stevie had insisted she finish the tour, it was just a couple more weeks. And Jodi guessed that Stevie probably didn't want Rose around to see her lost the plot.

_"You heard me."_ Regan responded, almost as if she was afraid to say the words again.

_"Alex and Jacob came home?"_ Jodi whispered not wanting to wake Rose just yet until she had all the facts.

Jodi reminded herself that Tess was there for Stevie so its not like she and Rose had left her altogether alone. And besides that, Stevie had Dave. That was still odd to Jodi. Dave was a great guy. She was happy for him that he had found some one. They were all really worried about him after Regan left him at the alter. Maybe it was what Stevie and Dave both needed. But as much as she wanted them both to be happy, Jodi wondered if either one of them could ever truly let go of the past.

_"No not yet."_ Regan replied. "_I need you to help me." _

Jodi sat in the dark for a moment, playing Regan's words over and over trying to make sense of it. She must be joking, or drunk, or out of her mind.

_"Yes. Of course. You know I will. Tell me what you want me to do." _


	22. Chapter 22

-1Denise followed behind Marcus and his little boy, still in a daze over the events on the beach. Ryan let himself in to the apartment without a word to the adults. Marcus paused at the door and turned apologetically to Denise.

"Maybe we should make dinner for another night?" He suggested.

She would have felt let down, but his desire was clear in his eyes.

She smiled to reassure him "Of course, I understand, your boy needs you." She tried not to let the resentment sound in her voice. She tried to focus on that look of desire in his eyes.

"Why don't you come over later, say nine thirty? Ryan will be asleep."

"Sure." She agreed as he leaned forward and kissed her gently goodbye, then disappeared inside his apartment, following his unhappy son.

Once inside he found Ryan sitting on the couch, just quietly sitting looking up at him. His innocent eyes accusing Alex- of what exactly he wasn't sure.

All Alex was trying to do was free himself from the prison Stevie had set him in. He had to move on. For his own sake, also for Ryan's. After all, Stevie had moved on with Dave, even given birth to his child. And just when Alex thought he had pushed Stevie aside, not away completely, just aside so that she didn't dominate his every thought and dream, his very existence. And now this little boy., Stevie's little boy, sat there looking up at him so coldly. A bitter reminder of the pain he had caused, the life he had left behind. His life, Ryan's life, Stevie's life.

There were consequences for his actions, life long consequences. He would be ever imprisoned, shackled to her memory, to his own guilt, and to that look in his little boys eyes. It was a prison of his own making. But it was worth it. Or so he told himself every day for the last four years. And every day he believed it. Every day, except for today.

It was the boys eyes that mesmerised him. The child could not have understood even half of what was going on, and could have verbalised even less, but those eyes said it all. Those had always been the eyes of his mother

It had all seemed so easy up until that point- he had done pretty good as a single parent, it wasn't that hard. He was proud of himself that he found it so easy when Stevie seemed to find it so difficult.

Now for the first time, he felt stuck. That afternoon with Denise started do perfectly. But it obviously caused a problem for Ryan. Alex didn't know if he should mention it to Ryan? Should he ignore it? Should he put his foot down and make Ryan go over and apologise to Denise? He was unsure. So he carried on in silence preparing dinner. In silence Ryan set the table, in silence they ate. In the end it was a combination of that silence, and those piercing eyes that took hold of Alex heart, and sent him beyond his control searching in the back of his closet for that box. And the photo of Ryan's mother.

Ryan's mothers presence hung over them that evening as if she had been sitting at the table right alongside them. For the first time, Ryan seemed lost to Alex, like nothing he said or did could reach him. It was what he feared all along, losing that little boy, that was the reason for all this madness in the first place. The only way to reach him seemed to be to show that photo. Alex was certain it was Ryan's mother, not Denise, that weighed so heavily on the child's mind that evening, just like his father.

Alex returned to the living room to find Ryan still sitting at the table silently, he hadn't moved an inch since Alex went in search of the photo. Wordlessly, Alex handed the photo to the little boy. Ryan sat for a long time, still and silent. His little fingers holding gently to that one and only photo. He smiled, but sadly, like his mother often did.

Alex hadn't explained to Ryan that it was a picture of his mother. He hadn't needed too. Ryan looked finally to his father and for the first time since they had arrived home he spoke.

"May I keep it?" He asked quietly.

The question was not what Alex expected. How could he refuse? But how could he give away the only picture he had of her? Finally, having no choice, Alex nodded, and watched as his son took possession of the photo and headed to his room.

Denise sat in a daze. All her life she had been waiting for someone like him to come along and sweep her off her feet. Someone smart, strong, brave, good. Not to mention gorgeous. She hadn't known him long, but already she felt he was a part of her life, someone she would miss if he was no longer there. She told herself she was being foolish. He was little more than a handsome stranger. Only a week a go she had never met him, and her life had seemed fine. But suddenly things seemed less than complete without him.

The child would be a problem. He was upset, but she would win him over. He seemed to be a smart kid, and well behaved, he would come around eventually. Denise wasted away the lonely hours waiting until nine thirty dreaming of the man, of the family they could become. She barely heard the phone ring. It surprised her to hear Regan McLeod at the other end of the phone. She had forgotten Regan even existed, even thought Regan was the reason she had come to meet Alex in the first place. She had conveniently forgotten about kidnappings and Ryan's mother, none of that played a part in her future plans.

Denise tried to listen as Regan talked. Hearing something in the woman's voice she hadn't heard before. An excitement, a madness of a woman who for years had been on an impossible mission and now stood so close to getting what she had been seeking relentlessly for years.

She listened with mixed feelings as Regan explained they were so close now, to reuniting the boy with his mother. Regan asked Denise to continue to keep a close eye on her neighbours. Denise agreed. Whatever happened, she wouldn be letting them out of her sight. Things suddenly seemed so complicated. Whose side was she one now? Hadn't she been anxious to help Regan make right this terrible wrong thing the man had done? But that was before she known him. She couldn't play any part in betraying him now. And how did she know the things Regan said about him were even true?

"What will happen to the boys father?" Denise asked hesitantly.

"Who cares?" Regan responded coldly. "I hope he rots in jail for the rest of his life."

"What about the boy? You can't take his father away like that." Denise reminded her.

"Jacob will be fine when he is back with his mother." Regan assured her.

The name seemed not to fit the little boy, she had come to know him as Ryan. Not Jacob. She had come to see the boy belonged with his father, not with a woman on the other side of the world who was a stranger to him.

Denise sat down, thoughts swirling in her head. What was the true story behind that little boy? Could she stand by and let Regan take him from his father? Let Alex go to Jail ? Before she met them, it all seemed so clear, the right thing. The boy should go back to his mother. The man deserved to be punished for stealing a baby right out from his mothers arms. But now it was hard to believe that was all there was to the story. Why did Alex do it? There must be some reason. What kind of a person was this mother?

Denise felt suddenly that the little boys life was depending on her. She had the power to decide where he should belong. She could stand by and let Regan take him, or she could warn Alex and help them get away. The connection she felt to Alex, and the connection she saw between him and his boy, far outweighed any loyalty she felt to this unknown woman, or even to her friend Regan. She would warn Alex, she would help him get away. But she still had to know more. She needed to know why he had taken the boy, she needed to assure herself she had made the right choice for Ryan. She would help them escape, and then she would make Alex tell her everything.

Like most of his actions over the past few days, Alex wasn't sure what it was that prompted him to follow Ryan into his room. Suddenly he felt all the walls closing in on him. Ryan sat on the bed, still holding to that photograph. Alex sat beside the boy.

"Want me to tell you about the day that photo was taken?" Alex asked him as he looked down to the photo he suddenly missed so dearly, the photo he had locked away for four years and not even sat eyes on. Why had he even taken that photo with him? Truthfully it was the first one he grabbed on his way out the door, there was no other special reason behind that picture. It was no more special than any of the others. That day was no more special than any other day he had spent with her, which all seemed far away and magical to him as he looked back upon them.

"Well" He began nervously, "That was taken at a rodeo."

"Like we went to Daddy?" The boy asked, feeling some connection to his absent mother.

"Yes." Alex answered.

"Did you watch the horses? With my mum?" He asked.

"Yes we watched, and then I rode on a bull." Alex said, his thoughts drifting back to that day at the Fisher rodeo.

"Wow" Ryan answered clearly impressed. "I didn know you can ride on a bull daddy!" He exclaimed as he climbed into his fathers lap. The awe of this discovery being enough to banish any bitterness about the events of the afternoon.

" Yes I can. Your mum used to ride in the rodeo too." Alex replied automatically, the words coming out of his mouth were no longer his own.

"My mummy rode on those horses and bulls?" He asked wide eyed.

"Yes. And she thought she rode better than me!" Alex told his son with a smile on his face.

"Well, did she?" Ryan asked innocently.

"Nah, of course not! But she was alright. For a girl." Alex told his son.

Ryan nodded. "Did you fall off?"

"Yes I did, but I stayed on for 12 seconds." Alex proudly told his son.

"Well that's not very long." Ryan said thoughtfully

"It was the best ride of the whole day!" Alex explained.

"Did mummy clap for you?" Ryan asked as if 'mummy' was someone real to him.

"Yes she did." He answered. "You were there that day too, Ryan."

"I don't remember." The boy shook his head.

"That's because you were in Mummy's tummy." Alex explained.

"How did I get in there?" He asked his father, and Alex suddenly regretted mentioning it.

"I'll explain that to you another day." He answered evasively. When what he really wanted to say was…_I put you in there , you__'__re mine, and I put you there inside of her, we made you , you are ours…_

At least that's how it should have been.

"Was I in there for a long time?" Ryan asked, causing Alex to abandon his thoughts.

Happy the conversation had moved on Alex replied. "For about 9 months."

"Wow that's a very long time." Ryan answered.

Alex nodded. It seemed to have all gone so quickly. It was those months before Ryan had even been born that the three of them had been happiest as a family. And Ryan was wrong, it wasn't such a long time at all. It was all over far too quickly.

"I miss mummy" Ryan said finally.

Those three words cut Alex. Partly he was jealous, that Ryan longed so much for his mother when Alex was right there, Alex was the one who had been everything to that boy. Alex had always been jealous. Always felt excluded from the relationship Stevie had with that boy, like he would never quite fit in the picture. Like she hadn't wanted him in the picture. But his bitterness faded away as he realised for the first time, that he had turned the tables completely. He was the one who sat here with the boy in his arms- not her. That injustice and pain of being cut out of the family belonged to Stevie now. But still things were not right. All Alex could do in that moment was agree with his son.

"I miss her too." Alex whispered as he pulled the boy close and held him tightly as he closed his eyes and fell asleep still holding on to the photo of his mother.

Alex didn't know how much time had passed before he heard the knocking at the door. Instantly he remembered his words to Denise to come over at nine thirty. But he wasn't ready to let go of his boy, to leave his memories behind. Denise had come expecting to meet with Marcus Newman, a business man from Los Angeles. And that man was not here. Perhaps he had never existed. Alex listened still and silent as the knocking grew more insistent. But he held tight to his son, and to his memories, and the knocking slowly faded away.


	23. Chapter 23

-1Stevie walked, carrying her daughter in her arms, towards her favourite part of the property. Her tree. The little child never stirred in her arms. That little nameless girl slept so peacefully. It seemed to Stevie somehow so wrong. Stevie wanted to wake her, to scream at her.

"_Don't you know who you are? Don't you know you are mine? Don't you know something is going to happen to you? You'll get sick or stolen, or something worse. But you just sleep so trusting in my arms."_

She sat at the foot of the tree cradling the nameless infant. She looked down to the baby, trying so hard to be happy. Just to be happy to be the mother of this precious baby. She wondered if Rose would ever get to meet this little baby? If Jacob would ever meet her? Maybe they never would, and she would grow up not even knowing she had an older sister and brother. She wondered if Alex would ever see this baby? It seemed an odd thing to wonder, but she did. She wondered what he would think, would he love her as much as he did Jacob even though he wasn't the father? Would she melt his heart the way Charlotte did even though she didn't belong to him? She closed her eyes and tried to picture this tiny little girl in Alex arms.

Why had he bothered with calling Tess all of a sudden? And why hadn't he called her? Was he starting to realise he had made a terrible mistake? Or had he? That was the thought that haunted her most over the last four years, perhaps Alex has made no mistake at all. Perhaps he did only what he thought was right. Perhaps it was right.

She shook her head to get Alex out of her thoughts. It was Dave she should be thinking of. She looked down to the baby in her arms, Dave's baby, not Alex. She once held Rose like this, when she was so tiny. She once held Jacob like this too. And now another child slept innocently in her arms. She wondered where this little girl would end up, would it be far away from here? Would this girl grow up and not even remember who her mother was?

Stevie thought to herself the child would stand a better chance without her. She couldn't let herself love this baby, she couldn't let herself even name her. The little girl deserved so much more than she had left to give, so much more than growing up in the shadow of her two missing elder siblings. She wanted her daughter to grow up being loved, and safe, and to know she was special, that she was the centre of her parents world. And that just couldn't happen with her around. Dave was a good man, the best. He would look after her, he would be the worlds best father. The little girl was lucky. Both her and her father would be better off on their own.

Suddenly her thoughts drifted to a random day from long ago, she didn't know why that day came to her mind, only that it did, so clearly as if it were yesterday.

It was the fisher rodeo, a long time ago, a life time ago.

_She stood with Alex, his arm around her, his hand protectively placed over her belly. _

"_We're getting a bit old for all this" he said to her._

"_Speak for yourself" she had answered._

"_I just mean, we are going to be parents now, we don't have time for all this nonsense." he pointed around the arena._

"_Well I'm not old, and if I wasn't 6 months pregnant I'd give you a run for your money in the event today." She answered confidently._

_They smiled and joked as if the world belonged to them, and at that time, it seemed that it did. _

"_You think our kid will ride?" Alex asked._

"_Who knows?" She answered "I don't care what he wants to do, as long as he is happy."_

"_He?" Alex asked. They had decided they didn't want to know the sex of the baby before it was born._

"_I just have a feeling." She said. She has always known Jacob was a boy. Just known. _

"_I'm so lucky" he said sincerely, his eyes sparkling in a way she very rarely saw, just pure joy, not clouded with anything_

"_No, I'm the one who is lucky." She answered. Thinking back of how different it had been when she was pregnant with Rose, how alone and scared she had been. How different things could have been this time, how different her life would be without Alex, how empty. And now she was part of a real family. She had someone beside her every step of the way, some one who would be beside her forever. Or so it seemed on that day. She never imagined he would be gone one day, that her little boy would be gone, and she would be left alone._

"_You better get going" She said to him "You'll miss the event." _

_Suddenly he didn't feel like competing in the bull ride, he had everything he ever wanted in his arms right at that moment, he longed for nothing else. _

"_Go on" She said, playfully pushing him away, "Make your son proud."_

_And he smiled, kissed her goodbye and headed off to the ring. _

Where had that all gone, that perfect moment, that perfect man, that little baby boy? That had been her life, her reason for living, now it had vanished. And here she sat, under a tree, with another baby, married to another man, but still completely stuck in her old life. Unable to move on, to get past what could have been.

With tears in her eyes, she stood and walked slowly back to the house holding the sleeping baby close. She knew she had to say goodbye to this little girl. And suddenly she held her closer, as if it would somehow make up for everything she could never be as a mother. She wished it was enough, her life with Dave, her precious baby, enough to pull her out of her memories of what was, what could have been. But it wasn't enough. And she was only hurting those around her by hanging around here.

When she arrived home she sat with the baby in her arms, watching the minutes tick by slowly on the clock. She looked to her daughter. This baby who had grown inside her just like Rose, just like Jacob. She did love her despite her best efforts to distance herself, and it hurt to say goodbye, but it had to be this way. It seemed somehow odd that she had been hurt so much by Alex taking Jacob away, when now she was here giving her own chid away, just like she had done to Rose. Jacob was better off without her, Alex had made the right choice, but that didn't make it any easier to live without them.

She gently stroked the little girls hair "Don't worry, your daddy will look after you" She said, knowing it was true, "and maybe your big sister will come and see you soon, you'll like her."

"I do love you. That's why I have to leave. I wish you were old enough to understand, but I'm glad you don't. I'm glad you wont remember this, I'm glad you will grow up with your daddy, and he will make all your dreams come true, and you wont want for anything. Neither will he, because you're all he ever wanted." She spoke these words to her daughter, but on some level they were meant for Jacob too.

She looked up to the clock as the baby slept in her arms. Soon Dave would be home. She had to leave before he got here. She didn't like him to see her like this, so upset for Jacob and Alex. He would say something wise and convince her she was over reacting, he would convince her to get some sleep and everything would seem better in the morning. It wouldn't take much and he would win her over. He always did. So she would leave before he had that chance. She put the baby sleeping soundly in her crib, kissed the top of her head, and crept out the back door. She hadn't left a note for Dave. Suddenly she couldn't find the words. He would understand anyhow. She waited, outside in the dark, until she saw his car pull up in the driveway. Then she looked one last time through the window to the sleeping child, and turned and ran.

Regan pulled into the driveway of Dave and Stevie's house. She knew she wouldn't be welcomed, not by Dave in any case, but she couldn't stay away. She hadn't been sure if telling Stevie was the right thing to do, she hadn't wanted to tell Stevie anything in case it didn't work out. And she just imagined that when the day came, she'd stand on the door step one day with Jacob at her side. Suddenly things were moving so slowly. She hadn't figured it would all get so complicated. But Denise was watching Alex and Jacob, and also Jodi and Rose. He couldn't get away now. It was really finally happening, and she knew in her heart that now was the time to tell Stevie.

Quickly she got out of the car and hurried up the steps to the door, not wanting her friend to suffer for another minute wondering about her lost little boy. She knocked, carrying the photos of Alex and Jacob in her other hand. No answer came. She knocked again. Defeated, she was about to turn and wait in her car for them to return home. That was when she heard the sound of a baby crying from inside the house. 


	24. Chapter 24

She knocked for some time more, wondering why no one answered the door. She called for Stevie. Then she realised it must be Dave at home, that explained why he would not let her in. She called his name, begging him it was important and please open the door. She heard the infant crying louder, but no other sounds came from inside that house. She contemplated breaking a window. It was then Regan remembered that this was the country. No one locks their doors in the country.

She wondered if he was home? It was so silent. Had he gone already? Had Regan got to him? Had he escaped? She slumped against he door for a moment, and experienced a strange feeling that told her he must be inside. It gave her strength, she stood and she banged as loudly as she knew how and deliberately called him by the name Regan gave to him. "Alex!" Denise screamed, without stopping to think anyone else might be listening.

"I cant believe it, my brother, my little baby brother." She whispered.

"I know." Jodi replied, for once in her life lost for words.

"I wonder if he'll like me? I wonder if he knows about me? I wonder what he looks like?"

"He'll adore you," Jodi answered, deciding not to add that he probably knew not a thing about her, or the life he was born into "And I just remembered, Regan sent a photo."

"Jodi, how could you forget that?" Rose threw the pillow at her.

"Wanna see?" Jodi asked as she dug the photo out of her bag.

"I don't know." Rose answered, suddenly so scared, or what she wasn't sure.

She ran and ran and ran. To where she was unsure, Even why she was unsure, only that something drover her, something pushed her, and there was not a chance she could stay in that house any longer, not a chance she could like this, with Alex haunting her, with Jacob haunting her, that little girl haunting her. And Rose where was Rose? Stevie wondered had she ever existed? Ever for a single second? Where was she, why wasn't she home? Then she decided- That baby was Rose, and she left her again, failed her again, gave her away again.

And failed Dave, so sweet, so caring, so strong and true, so good. He gave her everything and held nothing back. Only once he had hurt her. The day he took Jacobs things. And she realised now he was trying to stop exactly this. Trying to take away that dark thing that hung over her head that would drive her from him one day. "Oh my sweet Dave, if only you could, if only it was enough, look after my little girl, our girl, your girl." Stevie confused herself deciding how to call the baby.

She cautiously entered the home, instinctively walking to the infant to pick her up. She settled very quickly in Regan's arms as she often did, and Regan took to searching the house for a sign of anyone. It confused her at first? Where was Stevie? Where was Dave? Then she was worried. Why would they leave the child alone like this? Something had happened. Just the moment that though occurred to her, the baby started crying, as if she could sense something not right, and Regan spoke gently to her "Don't cry, your big brother is coming," but the baby didn't understand. Thoughts crossed her mind. What to do? Call someone? Call the police? Had they been kidnapped? Murdered? Even after all the years she knew Stevie, even after Stevie tried to dump the baby on her only days ago, it still didn't quite click that Stevie would have taken off and left the baby. And not now, not now that Jacob was coming home. Before Regan could decide what to do she heard the car in the drive.

"He's beautiful, he's so beautiful." She said softy, tracing the outline of the small boy with her fingers. "Mum is gonna…" Rose couldn't finish that sentence, there were no words.

"Did you call her? What did she say?" Jodi asked.

"She was really disappointed I wasn't coming home, she tried to hide it, but I could tell, I felt so bad. She wants me home so much, to meet my sister."

"I know." Jodi answered. "We'll be home soon, and she will be anything but disappointed when she sees you have your little brother with you." Jodi reminded her.

"Just think, Jacob, after all this time, me and Jacob. My little brother, and my little baby sister, and me. It seems too good to be true." Rose decided.

It was him, always him, on her mind as she dropped to her knees. Every promise he made to her, every time he looked her in the eyes, ever time he touched her, every time he kissed her, every time he made love to her, it was all a lie, it was all meaningless to him, for how could he do this to her if she meant even anything at all? How could he leave her here, longing for him, longing for her son, every day looking over her shoulder hoping, wanting, needing to see them wherever she went. Needing to believe in the impossible dream, that she would see them again. That her son would lay in her arms again, That Alex would take her in his arms again and whisper "Everything is ok now Stevie." And she'd believe him. She'd hold tightly to her boy and she would let Alex take her. And she would let go of everything for him, as she always had. That's how it went in her mind. Sometimes. Sometimes she would kill him.

She heard movement from inside the apartment, and could have cried out with relief to know he was here, she hadn't lost him. Yet. How could she feel so deeply for a person she just met, a person with so much baggage, so many questions. She could feel him standing on the other side of the door as if she could see it with her eyes, and she gently leaned against the door, she wouldn't use that name for him again, not out loud, not here "It's Denise. Please open the door." She pleaded, surprising herself with the desperation in her voice.

Jacob , my baby, do you miss your mummy, do you want to see her, are you happy with your daddy? Of course, of course you are happy. I was, so happy, but I just miss you so much." She spoke into the empty night. She stopped to wonder if she was being selfish. She needed him so badly and he was probably doing alright without her. "You're lucky to be with him. So lucky" She added, suddenly uncertain if she was talking to Jacob or Alex. "You are the lucky ones you and him, you have everything, you have each other, I bet you want for nothing, least of all for me…but here I am, my very existence about you." She remembered then Jacobs things , she had left them, she hadn't even known where they were she let Dave take them, how could she? What kind of a mother lost not only her baby boy but all of his things?

"She has so much stuff, for him, even those stupid booties you knitted, she never threw even one thing away." Rose said

"Yeah I know." Jodi agreed, all too aware of the fact Stevie had grieved every day for that boy. "And there ain't nothing wrong with my booties!" Jodi added, trying to lighten the mood that had somehow turned serious, this was supposed to be a happy occasion.

"She misses him so much." Rose went on.

"I know." Wondering where this was going. "Not for long."

"I wonder if she missed me that way. Ever, I mean , I know she didn't." Rose said sadly.

"It was different Rose" Jodi said finally.

"She never wanted me." Rose declared.

"Rose, she was young, younger than you are even now, it was so different, you weren't snatched away." Jodi tried to explain it.

"No she gave me away freely" Rose retorted. All these years, all grown up, and still it haunted her.

She heard the latch open and pushed hard against the door, he stood weary, stunned, stupefied, and stood aside as she pushed her way in and shut the door purposefully behind them.

"What did you call me?" He asked

"Its not safe. People are watching you. You have to get out of here with your boy." Denise stammered over the name for the child. Ryan, Jacob. Ryan, Jacob. Alex, Marcus, it was all so unreal and bizarre.

Fear seized his heart, fear but not surprise. He had been expecting this. For weeks he felt things closing in. What good was it to run now.?

"They found me." He whispered

"Yes she added" Wanting so much more, wanting to demand he tell her now everything. _Tell me you want me to help you, tell me you want me_, But she saw he wasn't capable of hearing let alone responding.

The moment he walked in the door he snatched the baby angrily from her arms. "I told you never to come here." He told her coldly.

"But Dave, its important." She protested.

"Where the hell is my Wife?" He asked, taking great pleasure in using the word wife in front of Regan.

"I don't know, I let myself in, No one was here, Just the baby." She answered quickly, hating herself for the way he unnerved her.

"What? Don't be stupid, where is my wife?" He demanded again.

"Ah" he answered, sitting down.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Shh, you'll wake Ryan."

"Get moving, you have to get out of here!"

"You told me they found me, you told me they were watching me, how can I run now?" He seemed so lost, so dead, so defeated and it broke her heart.

She pushed him, as if to snap him out of it, This was more than she could bear, the hopelessness in his eyes.

"Don't you understand? It's me, it's me watching you, me and no one else. There's time, there

is a chance, now move." She ended forcefully, and her words were enough to put that life into his eyes for a moment.

"I mean" Jodi interrupted "She knew where you were, that you were safe, she saw you, she was part of your life. She hasn't got that with Jacob. And believe me when I tell you that from the moment I met your mother, the fact she longed for you was clear to me. Remember the room at the cottage, how she painted I your favourite colour, hung pictures of you everywhere? Even then she wanted to tell you, to claim you, to keep you. And that day you found out the truth and walked away, well trust me it broke her heart. Don't doubt that every second she was apart form you she wanted to be with you. You just weren't there to see it, this time you're on the other side, that's all."

Rose thought over that dead look in her mothers eyes, those birthdays of Jacob, Christmases, unopened boxes piling up in the child's empty room, finding her mother cryingon the nursery floor night after night. She heard Jodi's words, but still wondered, _Did you cry like that for me? _

He stood in thought, pacing the room. The silence could have killed her, but it was best he was moving at least.

"You? Why?" He asked.

" It doesn't matter. Get Ryan . We leave now." She tried to hurry him along.

"We?" He asked and she stood back shyly, she had assumed so much, put herself into is life. Did he want her there?

"I cant ask you to come, I cant involve you in my mess, its all so complicated." He told her gently seeing the fallen look upon her face.

"I ask myself." she answered. "Let me help you." She said tenderly, and even though it was not the time or the place, she reached for his face, stroking it gently. He looked down to her, his lips brushing against hers hungrily. For a moment she forgot all about the boy, the kidnapping, escape. She let him pull her close in his strong embrace, felt his hands tightly around her. But it was all over so quickly, she wondered had it ever happened. He pulled away and ran to get Ryan. She stood for a moment, brushing her fingers lightly over her lips, her eyes closed trying to imprint that moment on her memory.

"I want to see him now."

"It's the middle of the night, we can't barge in. We'll scare him you know. It will be morning soon. You know what we decided to do. Regan is right, we have to be careful, for Jacob too, he's just a little boy, and like it or not we're gonna turn his life upside down."

"I know." Rose answered, but she didn't know at all. They weren't turning it upside down, they were making it right. How could that hurt him? How could he miss Alex, that monster even if it was his father? That monster that stole a sleeping baby from his mothers arms? That monster that said to her "_You__'__ll always be part of the family Rose.__"_? Alex walked out on Stevie, took her baby, but he walked out on Rose too and took her brother. And she hated him. She could have killed him. But she let that anger fade away thinking of that baby boy she held in her arms, four years again, and the moment she would hold him again. Tomorrow.

"Cant we go now Jodi?" Rose begged her. "I cant stand sitting here and waiting, lets wait over there."

"Alright." Jodi finally agreed to shut Rose up, although she didn't see how it would be any easier sitting in the freezing car waiting outside Alex apartment for hours until the sun came up.

Once he had calmed down, it didn't take long for him to figure out that she had taken off, just like that, without a word. He handed the baby back to Regan and ran out the door.

Regan called Tess and Nick, not sure it would help, only sure she had to do something. She wasn't sure it should be Dave out searching, not sure that was who Stevie would want to see, not sure she should be sitting holding their baby, maybe she should go looking too, with the baby and all? Or she should hand the baby to Tess and just disappear.

She still could not fathom that Stevie would run like that. Not now. Not today. Had it all been too late? All those years, all those long years of searching to bring the boy back home to no one?

Caught up in the moment, caught in Dave's hateful stare she had neglected to mention Jacob to him. Not that she wanted to tell anyone first except for Stevie. Now she remembered the reason she came and stared down to the photo of that lost little boy. "Don't worry Jacob, everything will be alright really soon." She told him. In one arm she cradled the sleeping baby, and in the other held tightly to that photo of the little boy, and sat helpless waiting for some inspiration of what to do. But it wasn't only worry for Stevie on her mind. "Dave, Dave, Dave, why wont you forgive me? Cant you at least give me that?" She asked the empty house.


	25. Chapter 25

Darkness engulfed her from the inside out. Intense, tormenting, relentless darkness that filled every part of her. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't run, couldn't stop. Her own words, her own four little words, came crashing down around her in waves, over and over echoing in her heart, her own guilt convicting her, her own mistakes piercing her heart and shattering her soul. Her plans, her transgressions, Her guilt. Her own guilt had always been greater than his. Always.

Four little words, four long years ago. Those words were unbearable then. Unbearable to speak, unbearable to hear her own voice call them out in anger, in fear, in panic. And once they were spoken they were never able to be recalled. She couldn't change them or take them back or even justify them. Those words had to go. She pushed them aside for years and fought not to remember them, not to face it. Never spoke them to another living soul.

And tonight she gave up that long fight. She could not, not for Alex, not for Jacob, not for Rose, not for Dave, not for her baby, she could not go on after those words came back to her. Her very own words a curse alighted upon her. Those four words she had said to Alex, the last word she ever said to his face, the last night she had seen him, those words he threw back in her face on that night he had called her, those words were what made it impossible to live, to breathe, to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

And the things was- she hadn't meant them. Not even one little bit. He didn't understand at all, took everything completely out of context. Didn't he know she hadn't meant them? Did he know her so little? After everything they had been through didn't he know her at all? She hadn't even remembered saying it, not until the night he called. Not long after he had taken Jacob. And he called her, just like that, and threw those words back in her face. And she wanted to say so much, where are you, come home, I didn't mean it, But her words were lost to her and all she could manage was to utter his name, over and over, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex until she realised he had hung up and she was talking to thin air. And as the days went by she stopped to wonder if she had dreamed that phone call. Since that day he called she pushed those words out of her head, those words that took her baby boy from her. She had to forget, make it like it never existed. It was either forget, or die. And so she forgot. Until now.

She was shocked that he would take hold of those words so firmly. That he believed them for even a second, even for that second in time it took him to snatch a sleeping baby from his mothers loving arms. She played that night over in her head. Cursing herself for being so foolish, so careless, so asleep. She wondered how it happened. If he sat watching her for long. If the baby cried, if he woke. Wondered if he had planned it. Wondered most of all how he could do it. How he could reach into her arms and take that baby and turn around never looking back. If she had just woken up, if she had just explained, if he had just looked into her eyes and into her heart, if she had just kept quiet, or if she had told him the truth right from the very beginning. But it was no use going round in circles now. What was done could not be undone.

~

Regan handed the baby to Tess, holding still to the photo of Jacob and ran, towards the tree, the only place she could think of. And sure enough she found her friend there. Regan stood for a minute, not sure what to do, or to say. She saw her sitting, she wasn't crying, she looked almost peaceful, sitting on the ground rocking back and forth gently.

Regan was glad of two things- the fact that the moonlight made it bright enough to see despite the fact she had no torch, and the fact that she still held tight to that photo in her hand. It seemed to be the only thing that would reach Stevie now, as Regan feared she was already too far gone for any empty words of comfort and logic to breakthrough.

She kneeled in front of her friend, and Stevie paid her no attention. Regan extended her hand, with that photo. Regan was unable to find any words, knowing she would need none, Stevie would know, she would just know. And she did.

Stevie didn't want to touch it at first, she took it only with her eyes. She sat still and silent as stone as her eyes were fixated on that picture, that little boy. Even in the dim moonlight trying to absorb his every feature, his smile, his curly brown hair, his radiant eyes. She was blown away. She tried to imagine him, what he looked like. She never came close, not even close. And she fixated on that picture, burning every detail into her mind, into her heart.

Finally Stevie reached and took the picture in her trebling hands. The shaking photo the only movement, and the soft sound of Regan's crying the only noise to be heard in the still quiet moment.

Stevie nodded silently and handed the photo back. Regan held her then, held her as she herself cried. Not because Stevie needed it, more because Regan did.

"Where is he?" Stevie managed to ask eventually.

"In the USA." Regan answered, suddenly the story seemed so long and so hard to explain and she knew not where to begin.

"You've known this a long time." Stevie said finally after contemplating the words she had just heard.

"No." Regan answered horrified. "Only recently, I had to be sure. I'm sorry. I had to be sure." She tried to explain.

"No, don't be sorry." Stevie mumbled still in shock. "I have to see him, I have to go to him." She declared.

"No, it's ok. He is coming here. Stevie, your son is coming home." Regan told her, seeing that her words weren't really sinking in.

It was more than Stevie was capable to speak about Alex , to ask what about Alex, she couldn't say his name. She couldn't even say "his father" knowing that Regan knew Alex wasn't the father. She was one of the only people who knew. Dave didn't know. Even Alex didn't know who the boys real father was.

"We need to go home, come on." Regan told her, and Stevie just sat silently.

"Stevie, you really need to get your act together." Regan realised it sounded harsh but it was none the less true and necessary to say. "Your kids need you."

"Ok" Stevie said as she nodded in agreement, smiling and determined to be the best person, the best mother, that she could be. Jacob was coming home.

"Good." Regan answered as she pulled her friend to her feet and they headed off back to the house.

~~

"Get out of my house." Were the first words Dave uttered as Stevie and Regan entered the house.

For a moment Stevie thought he was talking to her. Then she realised he was addressing Regan.

"Please, Dave, I want her to stay." Stevie begged him. Her head still swirling with images of Jacob, with questions, with plans for him, Dave would have to get Jacobs things out.

He shook his head, displeased, could this day get any worse than having Regan there to gloat over his marital problems.

"Its ok, I have some things to do." Regan announced, feeling uncomfortable suddenly, and truthfully needing to organise some things to get Jacob home. She felt bad leaving when Stevie wanted her to stay, but it really would be better this way. "You'll be ok?" Regan asked her.

"Of course she'll be ok. She lived without you for years Regan, she doesn't need you half as much as you think she does." Dave interrupted. Regan did her best to ignore him, forcing herself not to turn her head to look at him. For the moment Stevie ignored him too, and nodded at her friend sincerely to set free her from this house. And Regan left. Quickly.

Stevie went upstairs silently and Dave followed behind her. He found her staring down at their daughter lying in her crib.

"She's alright?" Stevie asked him.

"She's fine. Are you alright?"

Stevie nodded. The baby started to cry.

"Pick her up Dave." Stevie said to him as he stood in the doorway.

"You pick her up." He answered back

"I left her." She said simply.

"You came back."

"But I left."

Dave came in and picked the baby up in his arms. "She loves you anyway." He told her. "I love you anyway." He whispered as he took her hand leading her to sit on the bed, and placed her daughter in her arms. They sat silently for a while, Dave with his arms around her. He didn't know what to say anymore, he didn't know what to do. So he just sat with his arms around her as she held on to their daughter and he said nothing, while Stevie whispered to the baby that she was sorry, that she loved her, that she was going to be a good mum. And Dave started to think things were looking up. Stevie seemed more herself.

Stevie turned suddenly and looked at him. Still in shock, and still letting Regans words sink in that she needed to get her act together, she hadn't told Dave about Jacob.

"Jacob is coming home." She said to him, her eyes lighting up wondering if Regan had told him already, for he didn't look surprised.

"I hope so, one day Stevie." He answered.

"No. Dave, didn't Regan tell you? She found him. In the USA. He is coming home, my little boy finally he's coming home to us." She couldn't sit still and he could see the excitement in her eyes, as if she actually believed her words to be true.

"Is that what Regan told you?" Dave asked finally, not sure where to begin.

"Yes." Stevie answered not able to find the words to explain any more.

"Stevie, Regan made that up, to get you to come home." Dave told her gently. How else was she supposed to get you to come home? He added silently. He knew himself he wouldn't have been able to do it short of knocking her unconscious and dragging her. He didn't blame Regan exactly, and perhaps he would have said something similar. But it only made things worse in the end. It was all well and good for Regan to fill her head with nonsense like that, but Dave was the one who had to pick up the pieces. He wondered if Regan had actually said that? Or if Stevie had only wanted to hear it so badly. He chose to believe the former more likely, giving him yet another reason to be angry at Regan. The police would have called if they found Jacob, someone would have told him. And Dave feared in his heart that the little boy wasn't ever coming home.

He loved the excitement he saw in her eyes. And he hated to be the one to shatter it. But the longer it went on, the harder it would be. It was all a fantasy, and she needed to come back to reality, back to him. He would get her back too, and spend his life trying to make thing right, to make up for what she had lost. But her knew even before he began he was fighting a losing battle.

"No." Stevie told him. "Regan wouldn't make that up. Its true, I saw a photo." but even as she spoke, she doubted her own words, doubted her own memory. Did she really believe that lost little boy was ever coming home?

"Ok." Dave told her, not wanting to fight about it. "Just get some sleep. And maybe we can get out of here for a few days, just the three of us, we'll go somewhere warm, you'll like it, you'll see." He kept speaking even knowing she had blocked his words out and wasn't listening. And as she closed her eyes that night she tried hard to remember the little boy in that photo Regan had showed her. But he was gone from her recollection. And as she drifted off to sleep she was left with only one conclusion, Dave was right, Jacob wasn't coming home.

The next day Stevie did not get out of bed, even when her daughter cried for her. She lay still and silent, nursing her disappointment that Jacob wasn't coming home. Her hopes were so high and now she was shattered. How could Regan do that to her? That moment, that one brief moment when she thought she'd get her baby back, it hurt too much to think about it now. But the photo, she hadn't imagined the photo had she? Dave spoke to her but she didn't hear him, she thought only of Jacob. And Regan. Regan would come and show the photo to Dave, and Jacob would come home, only she couldn't really let herself believe it. Not knowing what to do she played the scene over in her mind, Regan showing her that photo, and the beautiful little boy, her boy, it couldn't have been a dream. And if it was then she wanted to go back to that dream world. Forever.

Regan stood at the Brewers door the next day, anxious for two reasons. She knew Dave would not be thrilled to see her. And she had some bad news for Stevie. Jacob was gone again. Denise had rung just a while ago. Regan tried to tell herself they were so close, they'd find him again. And she wondered if she should tell Stevie at all. But she knew she had to be honest with her friend. And she wanted Stevie to have his photo, if nothing else, she had the photo to offer.

Dave answered the door. He wasn't yelling, and Regan guessed it was only so she wouldn't wake the baby. He began accusing her of lying to Stevie and making up that story to get her to come home, he called her cruel and nasty, and told her that Stevie was crushed when Dave had to explain that the boy wasn't coming home. She wouldn't even talk to Dave, she wouldn't hold her daughter. Dave asked Regan if she was happy now.

Regan couldn't help the tears that came. It still hurt that Dave treated her so coldly, it hurt that she had put Stevie through that. She wanted to scream back at him that he's the one who lied, who broke her heart, Jacob is coming home. But then she remembered the phone call from Denise. If Dave had already told her Jacob wasn't coming home, why complicate things, why tell her that Jacob was found and now lost again, probably forever. Let her believe he was never found, its simpler, it will hurt less. Let her be angry at Regan. Let them both hate her. Regan turned and headed for the door, aware she wasn't welcome, and glad Dave had broken the news to Stevie rather than she.

Dave called for her to wait, trying to hide his tears.

"Couldn't you go and talk to her, maybe she'll listen to you, her daughter needs her so much." Dave hesitated "I need her. I don't know what to do for her anymore." He said desperately

Regan flinched as Dave said that he needed Stevie. But she felt his pain, loving someone so much and unable to reach them, and Stevie was her friend. She agreed to go talk to her, She found Stevie lying in bed unresponsive. Regan sat and began stroking her hair. She had no words. She didn't know what to say.

"You lied to me." Stevie stated, not turning to look at her.

Regan hesitated. What was she supposed to say? That it was true, she found Jacob but he was gone again? Wouldn't that just hurt her more? Would having his picture just give her one more thing to fixate on, one more thing to tear her away from her husband and daughter? Because it was easier Regan decided to lie.

"Yes." She said hesitantly "I lied, Stevie I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wanted you to come home and be safe, and I didn't know what to say, I just wanted you to be happy." Regan realized this was all sounding very lame. But Stevie wasn't really listening.

"I thought you were my friend." Stevie accused her.

Regan had to take a deep breath. She was a friend, a friend who gave up years of her life searching for Stevie's boy even though Stevie had now married her ex-fiancé. What more could a friend do? But she couldn't bring herself to explain that she had told the truth, Jacob was found, he was safe, and Regan let him get away. Regan should have stayed in the US. Why had she come here? To see the baby, she wanted to see for her own eyes Dave's baby. It was stupid, and if she'd stayed in the US Jacob would be safe with his mum right now, her best friends heart wouldn't be broken, and she would not have to endure Dave's dark stare and hateful comments. She had expected more from him. Guilt crushed her and she tried one more time to reach Stevie.

"I am your friend Stevie, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I know how much you're hurting, but your baby needs you, Dave needs you."

Stevie made no movement or reply, and Regan sat for awhile in silence before leaving the room.

She came downstairs dreading another confrontation with Dave. He didn't have to ask how it went, he could see it in Regan's eyes, and for the first time Regan saw Dave's eyes soften towards her.

"I don't know what to do with her." Dave sat on the couch, with his head in his hands. Regan sat beside him, but far enough away so that she could resist the urge to touch him.

"She needs help Dave. Professional help" Regan said, still feeling guilt for her part in this.

"Like a counselor? Been through all that when the boy disappeared." Dave answered.

"Maybe she needs more help than that. I think the birth of the baby had brought up a lot of memories and she just cant deal with them on her own."

"She's not on her own, she has me."

"She needs some professional help Dave, Maybe to stay in hospital for a while." Regan didn't like to say it, didn't like to think her friend was that far gone over the edge, and that Regan had been the one to give her that final shove. But it was true. Stevie was fast disappearing into herself, and it was more than Dave or Regan or even that precious baby could manage to pull her back from the edge now.

"You mean lock her up in the nut house?" Dave asked "Is that why you came here, to get rid of my wife because you're jealous, jealous that I have a life and a family with Stevie?"

Regan stood stunned, unable to even comprehend his accusation let alone answer to it. She turned the topic back to Stevie, trying hard to focus on her friend who needed her. "Not a nut house, a mental health facility. They have professionals who can help her, before its too late Dave."

Dave pondered it for a moment "She'd never agree." He decided

"She might not have a choice." Regan said carefully.

Dave finally understood what Regan was saying. He would need to have her hospitalized against her will, for her own good, and because he loved her and he cared, because his daughter needed a mother, and he wanted his wife back.

He left the room, leaving Regan sitting in silent solitude. She wasn't sure if she should go. Usually Dave was very quick to show her the door. She heard the baby stiring in the next room, and eventually went in to pick her up since neither Dave or Stevie seemed to pay any attention. The baby settled and Regan took her place back on the couch, enjoying the comfort of that little baby in her arms.

Dave re-entered the room and stopped at the sight of Regan with his daughter in his arms. That sight always got to him.

"She was crying…." Regan explained as if she had done something wrong.

"Its all organized." Dave said as he gently took his daughter. "For tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? That soon?" Regan asked.

"Yes I explained to the Doctor briefly the situation, and he thinks he can help Stevie."

"That's great." Regan said, thinking it a stupid choice of words, nothing was great.

Dave looked to his baby "Yeah little one, Mummy is going to get better you'll see, and everything will be ok." He said kissing the infant on the cheek as Regan watched on smiling at Dave and his daughter.

"She's going to hate me." Dave said

"Maybe, at first, but she's in a bad place now Dave, she cant even see that she needs help, You have to do it, for Stevie, for your baby. It will be worth it, she'll get better and come home, She just needs some help" Regan said hoping it was true and that her friend wouldn't be stuck in the darkness forever.

"Will you come?" Dave asked Regan "Maybe it will be better if you're there too, easier for Stevie I mean." He clarified

"Sure." Regan nodded, not really wanting to come at all, not wanting to see her friend dragged into a place against her will, no doubt kicking and screaming, not wanting to see the result of the pain she caused to her friend, and most of all not wanting to be alone with Dave when Stevie was gone. It was only when she returned to Drovers that Regan stopped to wonder how being an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital might affect Stevie's standing in a custody battle over Jacob if it ever came to that. But she was the boys mother. Alex isn't even the natural father. Alex is a kidnapper. And Jacob would have a stable life with Dave, and Rose and a little sister. Surely no judge would take the boy away again from his mother? Regan fell asleep wondering if she and Dave were doing the right thing, and cursing herself for losing Jacob again, and making this mess in the first place.


End file.
